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06-22-2008   #1 (permalink)
Break it up, son.
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Default Some guy's "conditions" for enlisting

Hahaha I just ran across this and found it so hilarious I'd share it.

Basically it's some DeviantArt retard explaining he'll never enlist in the US military. That's fine, to each his own, but his reason? He's too damn awesome for the military to handle, that's why! (all bolded parts by me)

Quote:
First condition: the drill instructors along with any other superior officer for that matter will treat me with respect and dignity. I’m not saying this to preserve my own sanity; I’m saying it to preserve the drill instructors’ ability to reproduce sometime in the future. They may know five hundred million different martial arts, but nothing will prepare them for a swift kick in the testicles. And don’t even get me started about what’ll happen if I happen to be armed with a loaded rifle. It’s a packaged deal: if you treat me with respect, you won’t get hurt. It’s just like civilian and internet life.
Hahah this guy thinks he can take down a DI. I'd make some smartass remarks here but he shoots himself in the foot further down.

Quote:
Second condition: I retain all of my constitutional rights. Hell, I’m already endowed with second amendment rights (the right to bear arms), so why not go the full nine yards and let me have freedom of speech while I’m at it? I’m going to need freedom of speech after witnessing all the crap my superiors put me through. I need the leeway to say “the army sucks, **** hope”. Don’t worry; my words won’t stop the constant flow of recruits looking to join. After all, if there’s anything that sadomasochists are good at, it’s not listening to their masters. How else are they going to guarantee themselves a hot, sweaty night of torture and abuse?
This first thing I heard when I rolled into boot camp, aside from "get the **** off my bus" was "We defend democracy, we don't practice it." When you sign that dotted line, you're signing your life away for 4-6 years depending. This goes for everyone who enlists, and they don't make special considerations for unique snowflakes.

Quote:
Third condition: I get to leave the army and return to my hometown anytime I want. When those car bombs go off and I have to watch one of my friends get a bullet in the head, I’m probably going to be in no mental condition to continue fighting. Hell, I’ll be lucky if I make it out of Iraq with all four of my appendages. I’ll probably look like someone who’s just been through a Criss Angel magic trick! The only difference is that the only people who have illusions about what they do are the superiors. If they think that the privates and sergeants actually enjoy “serving their country” and “fighting for freedom”, they’re ****ing nuts! Nobody enjoys watching their friends die and nobody likes dying themselves! It’s common sense!
Billy Badass here is so awesome that he's gonna go into boot camp and show them mean ol' DIs what's really up. He'll even shoot them if he has to, that's how damn awesome he is. Don't expect him to go into war, though! What kind of crazy country sends their armed forces onto a battle ground?? He can't handle the mental strain of real battle!

Seriously I don't what to make of that but here's more

Quote:
Finally, fourth condition: I don’t mind doing a little intense exercise (I probably need it considering I weigh well over 320 pounds),
oh

HAHAHAHAHA
 
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06-22-2008   #2 (permalink)
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God bless America.
 
06-22-2008   #3 (permalink)
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It sounds more like a joke to me, Ethane.

EDIT: Oops, I misread the first line.

Last edited by JC; 06-22-2008 at 03:58 PM.
 
06-22-2008   #4 (permalink)
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Deng, he's badass.

Seriously though, this is a funny joke. .-.
 
06-22-2008   #5 (permalink)
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I bet he posts on liveleak
 
06-22-2008   #6 (permalink)
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From the point of view of an ex-Air Force Staff Sergeant, this is pretty funny...
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06-22-2008   #7 (permalink)
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Lol, too much arrogant it seems :/
 
06-22-2008   #8 (permalink)
Break it up, son.
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This is a classic case of an Internet Tough Guy. If he ever had to jump out of a bus unto the yellow footprints he'd piss his pants every way until sunday.

Bonus Noe, I didn't know you served too. Hi Five
 
06-22-2008   #9 (permalink)
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This guy clearly knows nothing about regimentation ._.
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06-22-2008   #10 (permalink)
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Who else thought of the fat guy who went berserk in Full Metal Jacket after he said 320 pounds?
 
06-22-2008   #11 (permalink)
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I think I saw something called Discipline flying out the window...

Too much freedom is going to his head.
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06-22-2008   #12 (permalink)
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LoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooL
Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THIS GUY ROFL...?
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06-22-2008   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ethane
This is a classic case of an Internet Tough Guy. If he ever had to jump out of a bus unto the yellow footprints he'd piss his pants every way until sunday.

Bonus Noe, I didn't know you served too. Hi Five
Yeah, did 6 years lol. It was pretty common knowledge to the older MT user group. I built bombs =]
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06-22-2008   #14 (permalink)
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This person probably had some issues with the army just cause hes not used to it or something...
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Last edited by Silver Rook; 06-22-2008 at 09:31 PM.
 
06-22-2008   #15 (permalink)
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I had considered joining the military but after me and my girl hooked up I couldn't leave her here, call me a softy but its just my nature to place her first. But also I don't agree with the current situation of our war so i don't feel the obligation to join. Now had the setting been like that of say WWII or something then yes I would have probably joined but it wasnt that so. While I don't agree with the administrations reason for war as a family member of someone that was in the forces and someone that has friends still serving I support my troops.

As I was taught about being a soldier from my readings in Zun Tzu The Art of War and from a old friend "its not a soldiers place to question the reason for war as it is to question is it necessary to die or to live in the coming battle" and of course "a soldier fights because its his job not because he believes in the reason for it, just like you may work for a company selling things people dont need, its your job but doesnt mean you believe in the product you are selling."
 
06-22-2008   #16 (permalink)
Break it up, son.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaboria
I had considered joining the military but after me and my girl hooked up I couldn't leave her here, call me a softy but its just my nature to place her first. But also I don't agree with the current situation of our war so i don't feel the obligation to join.
No problem with that at all man. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to join or being anti-war.
 
06-23-2008   #17 (permalink)
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He is just covering at how afraid he would be mocked at, if he did joined, by the other solders beacause of his 320+ lb. weight, by saying how "badass" he would be.
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06-23-2008   #18 (permalink)
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Soo, what do the 300+lbs people do in the military, if they aren't able to somehow work it all off through strict training?
 
06-23-2008   #19 (permalink)
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the guy is from America...
In America, anything can happen..
I MEAN ANYTHING..
Thx God, i am from Aus
 
06-23-2008   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanaya
Soo, what do the 300+lbs people do in the military, if they aren't able to somehow work it all off through strict training?
Where I am, you only need to meet certain physical output requirements. You could weigh anywhere between 140-360 lbs, but as long as you can do all the physically demanding tests you are perfectly fine. I'm not sure if they still have the practice of giving the heavy support weapons to the big guys because their large frames support the recoil better. They almost always get assigned the M249 SAW, but then again, it's likely easier for a 320 lb person to lug around an extra 25 lbs of guns and ammo, opposed to giving it to a 140 lb person.
 

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