From Real World to Harry Potter.
Crunch Bar was a habitual boy. He ate breakfast in the morning, lunch at noon, and dinner at seven. He also popped 1.6 pimples each week and pooped once a day. With such a busy schedule, it's a wonder (to himself, mostly) how he managed to find the time to finally sign up for that new reality show that was premiering on the RuPaul channel.
Crunch was excited. He had been waiting for this for a long time. RuPaul was hosting a reality show that was supposed to actually BE "reality." But Crunch didn't care about reality. Or RuPaul. He just wanted to be the only gay man on TV that wasn't talking about his recent bout with AIDS or the way those curtains just absolutely had to be redone.
"I'll be special, dammit," thought Crunch to himself. "I'd usually have something more insightful to say right about now but for literary purposes I'll skip ahead to when I'm actually at the show."
Crunch proceeded to proceed down the hallway toward the reality show proceedings. He took no notice of his surroundings because they didn't matter and to be honest that's a boring thing to read about.
As Crunch approached the door, he heard increasingly loud footsteps behind him.
"Hey, are you going to the Real World?"
Crunch turned around. The sight that greeted him didn't really greet him, but intrigued him instead.
The woman standing before him--
"Hold on," Crunch cut in. "This skank was not standing before me. I was here first, so she was standing after me. Thank you."
The woman standing in front of Crunch now was beautiful. Of course she was, since only evil people are ugly in stories like these. That grin plastered-of-paris on her face looked pretty evil, though...
"Hey," she said smoothly. "I'm Michelle C. Nice nalgas. Haven't seen ones like that since I saw Alien Princess RiRi escaping from Morningside Rehab center ass first."
Michelle continued to continue smiling sweetly. "What is it?"
Crunch swallowed and looked down. "Uhm. A wedding cake just fell out of your ass."
Michelle shrugged. "What can I say, I love pastries. Don't worry about it. Anderson Cooper probably left it up there last night when we were having special times. What's your name?"
Crunch hesitated a bit. "I'm... Crunch. Crunch Bar."
Michelle frowned. "Excuse me while I go grab my sleeping pills and pray to Mama Zsa Zsa about your shit name. Now, let's get in there before we miss anything good. Last entertainment I had was watching BritBrit asking her bag of Cheetos for directions to Starbucks."
Because of magical literary devices, Crunch and Michelle made it just in time.
"WHO THE **** ARE YOU?"
A blur of pink, yellow, and black came whirling toward them as they opened the doors.
Trick looked like a sumo wrestler geisha screwed a pokemon and then threw up on it.
She flashed a quick peace sign and then took the chopsticks out of her brilliantly yet stupidly colored hair. "My name is Sakura Honitsu Ramen Tsubaki Angel Beats Johnson!" she chanted.
"Nice to meet you," Crunch said, stifling his sudden nosebleed.
A large sweatdrop thing appeared at Michelle's temple, who suddenly started screaming and swatting at it furiously.
Sakura flashed a cheeky grin with a mouth full of rice. "I have that effect on people," she said, waving them away and backing away to perform tea ceremony.
"Listen, Crunch," said Michelle, recovering. "I think--
And so the day ends, amidst confusion and finality--
"HEY, **** YOU, I WAS TALKING!" Michelle shouted.
Crunch gulped. Why was Michelle so upset? Nothing had really happened, and disembodied voices were completely normal in musical theater, so what was her problem? But what did the voice even want? What did Michelle want? What did that Asian girl want? Why wasn't any of this internal monologue in quotes or italics?
"That wasn't internal, assface. We heard all of it," said Sakura.
Crunch smiled sheepishly. And then had a sudden craving for S4/DFO yaoi and silly emoticons like ;;. He wondered where that came from.
"Guys, sorry. I'm just really weirded out right now... Coming here, and seeing all of you, and all these weird things happening, and disembodied voices.. It's stressful for someone of my emotional development, you know? I know this introspection seems rushed and forced, but it's nothing to do with my crappy writing style--I'm just impatient."
Sakura gaped stupidly.
Michelle gaped smartly. "Gotta air out my snatch, you know. Else Sienna Miller gets all the men."
And with that, the day ends.
"But--" Michelle protested.
Whether you like it or not, ho.
Kudaranai: I was on the subway and this man just PEED