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06-27-2008   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dear Internet Porn

Dear Internet Porn,

These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to.

When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality.

As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her.

But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.

I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me.

Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, ***** in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there.

There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come.

So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame.

- Your shamed lover
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06-27-2008   #2 (permalink)
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Default

I...actually read it.
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06-27-2008   #3 (permalink)
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amanda
I...actually read it.
Lol, same here...Uhm, very interesting story. Uhm, yeah...
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06-27-2008   #4 (permalink)
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Default

i won't, because i'll only bring more friends in.
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And so a miracle has occured.
 
06-27-2008   #5 (permalink)
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you gonna get mod haxxed
 
06-27-2008   #6 (permalink)
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Default

porn? <3
>:3
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Click on there pictures to feed them more porn and digisteriods!!!
 
06-27-2008   #7 (permalink)
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Huey likes porn... Dont we all *wink wink.. nudge nudge
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06-27-2008   #8 (permalink)
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CountBlood
Huey likes porn... Dont we all *wink wink.. nudge nudge
Porn sucks.
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06-27-2008   #9 (permalink)
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You suck D8<
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06-27-2008   #10 (permalink)
Italian Lesbian Lolicon
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Amanda is just really niceAmanda is just really niceAmanda is just really niceAmanda is just really niceAmanda is just really nice
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CountBlood
You suck D8<
Why yes, yes I do.
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06-27-2008   #11 (permalink)
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Porn=Low Self Esteem???
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*shot*
 
06-27-2008   #12 (permalink)
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Default



I expect use of porn to go up. With rising fuel and food prices, more and more people are finding new ways to save money. Cutting back on dating is one of them
 
06-27-2008   #13 (permalink)
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Default

This thread made me laugh inside.
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06-27-2008   #14 (permalink)
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Default

Any third parties involved?
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06-27-2008   #15 (permalink)
moÚ moÚ (≧△≦)木
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Default


Quote:
Cutting back on dating is one of them
i agree completely with Vorpal XD

i'd prefer ecchi over porn <3
the thing is, i dont just have hard drives to burn
but thousands of dvds, to purge incase something unfortunate happens x__x

*i cant run for public service* with this kind of background XD
 
06-27-2008   #16 (permalink)
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Default

uhm... interesting
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09-16-2008   #17 (permalink)
oh wow
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i like internet porn
 
09-16-2008   #18 (permalink)
~~OBEY OBEY OBEY~~
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zyklon▀
You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me.
What???????????!!!!!!!
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09-16-2008   #19 (permalink)
Mr BLOW YOUR MIND Simple
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lol! oh this letter is so funny (and true)
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