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10-24-2010   #1 (permalink)
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Alright, so i figure I might as well make it here. So normally, I love to write. Last year I started a story that ended in about 35 pages or so. I started looking it over and decided to re work it since it was an idea I enjoyed writing. So mainly I would like opinions on what I have so far/If I should continue posting here. Every chapter I write I label as a part and have a heading for each part.

The name of the story is Child of the Damned. Here's what I have so far.
/adding more parts

A light in the darkness.
Spoiler!


First steps
Spoiler!


Prison guard
Spoiler!


A savior
Spoiler!


A caring ruler
Spoiler!


My reflection (I'm really on the edge about this part. I feel like it needs a lot of work)
Spoiler!


A name
Spoiler!


Darkness eater.
Spoiler!


Added more parts, hurp.
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Last edited by Cornlito; 10-25-2010 at 09:00 PM.
 
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10-27-2010   #2 (permalink)
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Very good visual images with your writing there. Some scenes gave me chills. I think your version of Hell is going to influence my image of it now.

Small spelling errors, but that can be cleaned up whenever you got time!
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10-28-2010   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lime
Very good visual images with your writing there. Some scenes gave me chills. I think your version of Hell is going to influence my image of it now.
This.
It was a really interesting read. At first the first person writing kinda put me off but as I read more I got used to it lol. It works well with the story, too.
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ggFTW RulesggFTW Eventscomedy.mp4
My fingers trace lines of azures and scarlets, following the viridian milky ways above
To the poetry of fourteen billion years of light that mellows my heart into a melody

 
10-28-2010   #4 (permalink)
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Love you, Dani. You too, Lime, but in a bromance way.

I also never really noticed point of view I used when writing.
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01-03-2011   #5 (permalink)
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Derp. Double posting and necro for my own thread.

The seeing eye.
Spoiler!


Clash of metal
Spoiler!


With a price.
Spoiler!
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01-06-2011   #6 (permalink)
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You need to go back and proofread your story. There's lots of grammatical errors and sometimes the narration switches from past-tense to present-tense. To be honest, I thought the story was very bland. The fight scene between Vain and Malkin reminded me of something I'd see in a shounen with the characters explaining their powers and talking like it's a free action. Your characters aren't very well developed and I think the emotional scenes suffer greatly from this fact. On the plus side your version of hell is kind of interesting despite the fact that the only thing I know about it so far is that it's red. Anyway, don't let my dislike of your story stop you from continuing to write it. You only get better as you go... sometimes.
 
01-06-2011   #7 (permalink)
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Oh thank god someone who doesn't like it.

Personally, I know about my grammatical errors but I can only easily know so much with going from Spanish to English in writing. Past to present is still something I need to work on noticing.

The fighting, it wasn't really a serious right due to Malkin being weak/going a bit easy on Vain. Honestly I was planning to make it more to the fictional dream flow but simply too many people *****ed about wondering what's going on. So I had to add the talking, for now, to stop the *****ing.

Though in all honesty, the lack of character development was on purpose since it's to show how frequently the two have faced with something. It's a shitty thing to do but I felt like doing it. (I never planned for emotional scenes though, surprised you viewed some parts as that.)

All in all though, this is still the skeleton build of the story. Plus, not my cup of tea when writing since I still need to research ideals of heaven and hell. Only reason I write this particular story is because I liked the idea of it.
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