Alright, so i figure I might as well make it here. So normally, I love to write. Last year I started a story that ended in about 35 pages or so. I started looking it over and decided to re work it since it was an idea I enjoyed writing. So mainly I would like opinions on what I have so far/If I should continue posting here. Every chapter I write I label as a part and have a heading for each part.
The name of the story is Child of the Damned. Here's what I have so far.
/adding more parts
A light in the darkness.
As far as I know. I was born into nothing, raised in nothing. Since I first opened my eyes I could only see darkness and feel pain. I still see nothing but darkness and I still feel nothing but pain. I remember everything though. But yet I also seem to remember nothing. I remember that I am in a dark world, a place the others here call hell. I remember that the darkness that surrounds me is from the tainted souls of those who live here. I remember that hell only gets a dull red light. Never any pure, clear light. I don’t remember who I am though. I don’t remember why I am here, or for how long. I don’t even remember my name. Or maybe, I never had one to begin with.
I would open and close my eyes all the time, thinking, that maybe I would be able to finally see something when I would again open them. I don’t how many times I have opened and closed my eyes, hoping to see something. I’ve long ago lost count. Always the same, being greeted by nothing, the nothing that fills my area and the other parts of hell. I wanted to call out but I couldn’t. I wanted to call for someone to come help me. Even in hell, demons help one another. Calling for help was the first thing I tried. I called and called for what seemed like decades. My voice long gone and my throat always crying out in pain from my helplessness. I wanted to move but I couldn’t. I could feel something grasping at my wrist. Holding me back. Punishing me every time I try to move. I knew a wall was right behind me but I always stayed away from it. The whole wall was filled with pikes that would tear my flesh apart. I wanted to do something, to see something. But I could only cry and hope that this would end soon.
For once my hoping worked. I started to cry but I could hear something. I opened my eyes and I saw it. A pure light. A light floating in the middle of the nothing. The light moves closer to me. With its movement the darkness lifted. The souls of the tainted that made up the darkness moved and squirmed to try and get away. The light burning it on contact. I started to try and move away also. I was afraid that if the light touched me then I would end up just like the darkness, burning away into further nothing.
I backed away as much as I could without having to tear my back on the spikes. The things on my wrist giving an even firmer grip than before. I could hear something crying out from behind me. I look back and see what it is. What was holding my wrist back. A demon sticking out from the wall that was being used to keep me captive. It was crying out as the light started to light it into flame. I felt it also but it didn’t burn me. Yet I was scared. The light, after clearing all the darkness dims down and then I can clearly see it. A women dressed in pure white. Wearing a simple dress with hair hanging down. She looks at me and bends down to meet my gaze. Was she an angel?
The women of pure light bent down to meet my gaze and she then smiled. A warm smile with a glow that seems to give my body a strange warmth. When she opens her eyes I see a deep pool of crimson red, she had red eyes. Eyes that seemed angry, yet filled with peace. She extends her arm, her fingers reaching for me. I was scared, I didn’t want to be burned up. Her hand goes right pass me and I feel relief. Then I feel my left side falling. I look to see what it was, I see that my left arm was next to my body. Not being held by the grip of the beast. She then reaches over for my right hand and starts to pull the grip apart. Was she freeing me?
The other grip is undone and my right hand now hangs by my side. When that is done she pulls back her own arm. She looks at me and then smiles again, what a beautiful smile she had. She reached out again and I start to panic yet again. She freed my arms yet they still felt so new to me. I was helpless, yet I also knew that I had nothing to fear. If she wanted to hurt me then she would have long ago. In a testing manner, she rested her fingers on my cheek, when nothing happened she placed her palm on my cheek. Then she smiles again. Though even when she was smiling I started to see that tears were forming and rolling down her face. Why was she crying? Then she spoke, in a soft voice filled with elegance and grace.
“Child of the damned, things may seem bleak right now. But, if you start on your path then you can do things of great peace or great destruction. I came here to help you get started, now it is up to you. You must start this journey with your first steps.” The women then stands up and slowly turns around, still keeping her gaze on me until she can no longer hold it. As she walks away she then again starts to become a clear orb of light, then leaving me. When the light is gone I’m then alone in the darkness again. Though this time I don’t have to hope, this time I just have to get up, and walk.
My arms still hanging by my side I could feel a dull numbness in them, yet I still pushed against them, my legs giving off sharp pain from so long without use. The numbness reaches my legs and I start to tip over. I rake at the wall with my hand, cutting them up against the surface, in attempt to stay up. A useless gesture as I fall back to the ground. As I lay on the ground I move my arms and legs as best as I can to try and get the feeling back into them. When I can feel all the numbness from my body go away I try again. I place my elbows under my body and push up. Trudging my legs forward I finally get a good grip on the ground and I push up. Placing my hand on the wall for support. I place my right foot forward and nearly topple over as I lose balance from that one step. Though that step. That was my first step on my path. My first step.
With each step I took I could feel my body getting used to the movement and start to straighten itself. I also, for some reason, started to feel stronger. With each step, though, things also started to feel heavier. I was getting tired. But I had to continue. I needed to keep moving. I had no idea what my true situation was like so I figured it would be best to keep moving. So I just kept walking in the dark, keeping my balance against the wall. At some point I hit something and stumble a bit. Using all I had to make sure I would not fall again. I step back a little and reach out my hand. I could feel something in the way. It felt cool and smooth and I tried to push it away. It felt heavy and would not move at all. A door. This was the door to my prison. I needed to get out. I wanted to get out. I forced and willed the door to let me out. I place my hand against it again and push against the door with all my power. At the second I concentrate, the door shatters and slowly opens.
I walk through the space in the door and the frame and leave my cell. What I see is a long tunnel. It was my only way out that I knew of so I walked down the tunnel. I continue walking. I walk and walk until my legs felt heavier than before and it gets difficult to even breath. I want to stop but I can’t. If I stop then I will be thrown back in there. And if that happens then that women who helped me, I would have let her down. She was the one that helped me. I would not let her down. I forced myself onward. Into the still long tunnel.
After what seemed like hours I finally see the red light that is regular around hell. I had finally walked out of the prison area and got to the area of the regular demons. Though I started to questions things. Even with my tired body my mind was still flowing madly. Wondering something. They had put me in such a horrible cell, but yet, there weren’t any guards at all. Where were they? That answer came to me as I was open in the red light. The guard was waiting for me right beside entrance of the tunnels I had just come out from. A big demon with the body of a man but the muscle build of a bull. Able to keep up with anyone else who was human and then rip them apart. A guard with no care in the world except for murder. As he saw me he came closer and pulled out what looked liked a club. He was going to either send me back, or kill me. I had to fight back but I was simply not strong enough after all the events that happened today. I started to stagger in place. The guard started smiling then. He had a horrible, twisted face. Everything on it not of equal size or place. A mouth that was on the side of his face. One eye under the mouth the other right on his forehead. His nose not even there. He bared to me his sharp, rotting teeth and knew I was easy prey. I fell and things started blacking out. Before there was nothing but darkness though I saw a flash of red and black fly by.
“Die, you filthy welp!” These were the words the demon said to me before I saw the flash. Shortly after they were said I heard a loud scream. Maybe it was me who cried out. That was all I was aware of before I passed out.
With labored breathing I started to open my eyes again. I was surprised. Surprised that I was still even alive and surprised by what I saw. The guard was not looking at me and was fighting someone. From how it seemed, that person was winning. The person looked human like the guard but even more so. With a frail looking body and a regular set face. Though this human had odd things for hell. He wore a black kimono that hung lose on his arms so it looked like he had blankets hanging on his arms. Tight around the waist though and then fanning back out for space to move. The kimono was falling from the chest and I saw that he had bandages wrapped around up to his collar bone. Flames also decorated the kimono and they seemed to move with him. He would move around the demon as though it was nothing. Such great movement but all he wore were simple straw sandals. His face was sharp and strong though, yet one thing stood out. He had an eye patch on his right eye and a scar extended down it and continued on. Reaching all the way to his left arm that hung uselessly at his side. He was swinging what seemed like a katana but it was still sheathed.
The man shot one quick glance at me and then seemed to smile when he saw I was back up. Was he after me as well? Someone who wanted to take me for his own and claim whatever reward may be on my head? I struggled getting up, trying to get away from both of them. My body still weak but I still tried to get back up.
“Do you really think you have the balls to stand up to me? I’m the strongest of the guards. I can easily kill you!” I could hear the guard as I tried to get away. I then heard laughing but it sounded nothing like the voice of the guard.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t even taken out my katana yet. Though, if you are the strongest, that means all the others will be easy enough to handle.” The swordsman then slashes at the air with enough force to make the sheath fly away from the sword. As soon as it was visible a cold dread came over me and a feeling of fear laid its egg in me. His sword was pure black and seemed to be screaming. The guard seemed to notice this power and started to back away and then trip.
The guard starts to fall back and is about to land on me as I still tired to get away. The man sees this and then does something odd. He places his sword away but between his kimono and left hand. Then draws it quickly. When he draws it I feel a huge force against me and all my bones hurt. The crying of lost souls was in that sword. I saw the cut though. The whole body was sliced in half but then the body just…disappeared. Back into the nothing that was the source for all life. The swordsman puts his sword away and walks over to me. A smile on his face. As though we were friends. He bends down and I see his eye. A pure blue. He extends his hand and lifts me while saying
“So, I guess you are the one I was told will be our savior. My name is Malkin. I was told by a women of pure light about you. I’ll always be with you from now on and help you when I can. From now on we are friends.” I feel shock when he says this. Friends? I had no idea who this swordsman was, yet he called me a friend. I look at him as he lifts me and starts to drag me to rest against a wall and he looks at me. Giving a smile as wonderful as the smile of the lady of pure light. I fell asleep then. Maybe this was all a wild dream I put together.
A caring ruler
“Earlier today your Child that you had held in the tunnels escaped from the cell and is in the hell region now.” Here I was, listening to what this lowly guard was telling me as I sat on my throne. I was the king of hell and more sadly to admit, the father of the Child. Everyone before me knew that I hated everyone, those who entered my throne room all knew that if they had to enter it would be under the grounds of important information, anything less and I would kill the messenger for wasting my time. I ruled using the darkness and fought using it as well. As such, my throne room was always dark, save for candles here or there used to make some light.
“How did the Child get out? I made sure personally that the cell would be impossible to get out of alone.” The guard that was supposed to make sure non of this ever happened in the first place started to get nervous. He was testing my patience. “Out with it or I’ll just kill you now!”
The guard suddenly straightened up and started saying in a proud sounding voice. “The Child seems to have had no help in getting out of the cell. Someone did come to help when a guard noticed the Child escaping, the person who helped was a eye patched swordsman with a scarred left arm. After he killed the main guard he then started hunting down the others. I‘m sorry to say this, but his power seemed to be on the same level as yours.”
I could feel rage coming up from the deepest levels of me. I knew who the guard was talking about. Someone I figured dead long ago. The fact that he was still alive had to be a clue to something to happen. This was all I could think of while the guard still kept talking, though, something he said caught my attention. Stronger than me. At those words he realized who was stronger as his body started to limp forward and his head rolled off from his body. I was stronger, I always was and always will be.
“Chiron?!” I call out in the dark, my voice filling the whole are of my throne room. A moment later Chiron, my first servant appeared. Chiron was a demon of mystery, though he had very little power. Robe and all he appeared before me. Taking good measures to make sure his face was hidden, as it always was.
“Yes, milord?” He talks in his endlessly dried voice. A voice that sounds as though it should have died out long ago.
“It appears that my Child was able to get out of the cell. I want you to find and then kill the Child. I want you to kill the person who saved my Child first. Kill him slowly, let my Child suffer as the last hope dies.” Chiron then gives a low bow and then vanishes again. Off to do my dirty work. I was then again alone in the throne room. Before I forgot though, I slightly jerked my hand to call a servant, from the darkness around me formed a thick sludge that kept changing forms, letting out garbled sounds for words. “Go down to the cell area and check the cells, if there is any sign of one of them getting out, I want you to wait for any others to come, attack and kill anyone or anything that goes near those cells.” With that, the black form slithers back into the shadows, well aware of its job. I rested into my chair and gave a deep sigh. No matter what, I would not have the release of my Child ruin my life that I spent so long to secure.
My reflection (I'm really on the edge about this part. I feel like it needs a lot of work)
I started to open my eyes, though my vision stayed blurry for a bit. When I could fully see again I saw that I was against a wall. Something was on me. I bend my neck slightly and see a large blue cloth on top of me, I lifted my arms up slightly and saw that it was a shirt, where did it come from though I wondered? I straightened myself up and looked around. The red light of hell was still here but in a darker shade. The only way to tell that it was supposed to be night. I started to wonder where that swordsmen went to, Malkin. That was the name he told me before I fainted. Maybe he decided I wasn’t worth his time.
I started to feel like I was left alone again. Just like I was in that cell. I could feel the dark thoughts starting to enter my mind again. Then, as I could feel the weight of darkness bearing on me. I hear a faint noise. It sounded like muffled walking. I look up and I see him, Malkin. He looked tired and seemed to be slouching. He had some open cuts on his chest. His left arm hanging by his side, his right holding his blade by the hilt, resting against his shoulder. His whole top half of his kimono was hanging around his waist. I could get a clear look at his left arm now. There was indeed a scar on it but it was deeper that I imagined. The scar seemed deep enough to practically touch the bone. A scar that deep would of course leave the arm lame. The pain from something like that would have been horrible. I felt a chill run down my spine, despite the warms of hell.
He looks up and when he sees me he gives a smile and a wave using his sword. When he gets over to me he closes his eyes and I can hear him giving a deep sigh. He starts to walk a bit towards my right and then starts to sit down against the wall while scratching at his head, seeming to be in deep thought. Then, as he finally sits he gives another sigh and then slumps forward.
“This is tough. This is really, really though.” He starts to speak, still looking at the ground. For the first time I noticed that he had short hair that seemed to naturally spike around. I felt like looking at him would make him uncomfortable so I just look straight ahead. “I mean, I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would be this difficult. First having to use up most of my power with getting out of my cell and finding you, that damned guard wasn‘t much help either. Then last but not least having to find and kill all the other guards, that shirt that‘s on top of you is something I took from one of them, on you though, it would be almost like a dress. Then when I finally just now look at you…God.” I started to feel like he hated me now. I could start to feel the sadness pile up until he started again. “I look at you and see that you’re female. Not just that but you’re only wearing rags that just barely cover you up.” He then looks at me and I could see that he was surprised by this still. I was surprised also. I never thought to check if I was male or female. I just didn’t think it was important. Clearly it was. “So uh…That’s mainly why I got that shirt , to cover you up. If just even by a little. It was honestly hard to tell at first because you had so much dirt on you but now I suppose we can fix that up.” Malkin reaches for his side and offers me a canteen. “It’s a bottle that you can use to hold water in, use it to wash yourself up a bit. I’ll make sure nothing is lurking around.”
With that Malkin stands up as I take the canteen and starts to walk away, though, even when he was walking away he still seemed a bit confused, me being female couldn‘t be that odd, right? When he was well out of site. I look at the canteen. It was a simple design with a tanned leather casing. I open the canteen and look inside it. It was filled all the way to the top with water. Even if it was full though, it wasn’t much, I would have to use it well. I take off the blue shirt top that Malkin got me and place it well away and then start to remove the rags that I had before. Very torn and covered in dirt. I ripped the rags into shreds and added a little water to them to make them a bit cleaner and use them as rags to scrub my body.
I was shivering all over as the cold water touches me. I start to scrub my face, and then my body, followed by my hair. Which was actually very long and very hard to clean. After that I grab the canteen and turn it over my head, finishing off all the water left in it. Nearly gasping as the sudden cold water chills my body. After I was sure I was clean I leave the canteen and grab the shirt. I put it on and was amazed as just the shirt alone reached a little past my knees. Either I was very short or the guard was very tall. It was very long on me but it actually fit my thin figure very well. Fully covered and clean I looked around and see that the canteen was on its side, a bead of water dripping out from the top. I go over to it to pick it up and then I see it, a little puddle left from the water. Also in it, my reflection. I had very pale, yet smooth skin, long black hair that seemed to go past my shoulders and one final thing. My right eye was a deep blue and my left eye was a strong red.
I stared at my reflection. Spell bound to it, unable to look away. This was my first time seeing myself. I wanted to capture every detail. It took me this long to see what I looked like, It maybe even longer before I could see myself again. Though, because I kept moving my eyes around, trying to capture everything, all I could tell was that my hair was long and black and kept clustering in front of my face. The shirt Malkin got for me, now that I looked at is was big enough to fully cover my body. So did that mean I was short or was Malkin just tall? Wait, Malkin. He must still be around. I wanted to call out but I was afraid something may appear. So I gathered up the canteen and put the lid on. That done, I walk towards the wall and slump down and sit down. Letting my head rest and sleep started to weigh down my eye lids.
I was just about to start sleeping before I heard Malkin call. “Hey! Don’t fall asleep again!” He was going at the pace of a slow run. His left arm being of no use in his running as it just hung there. When he got close I could hear him panting and then he bent down, placed his good arm on his knee and started to catch his breath. I couldn’t stop staring at his lame arm.
“Why don’t you put that on a sling?” My voice was scratched. After so long of shouting in my cell and then not talking my voice was almost gone, but I was able to get the question out. Malkin then looks at me and straightens up. With his good hand reaching down for me to stand up.
“So, the child does speak. Though that’s a voice full of steel. Very harsh and painful, right?” By the time I’m up I find that he is actually only a little taller than me. Answering his question I give a simple nod. The lights of hell started to stir. Malkin gave off a slight laugh, closing his eyes and scratching at his head. This seemed to be his favorite thing to do. Laugh and scratch his head, why was he doing it now though? As he stops laughing to himself he starts to open his eye again and I noticed something about his uncovered eye. The pupil seemed to swirl like a whirlpool. “So, Child, do you have a proper name? Or even an age? All I know about you is the black hair, the funky eyes and that you’re probably 5’8, since I’m 5’9.” I start to wonder myself, did I have a name?
“Well…I never considered if I had a name. I don’t know anything about myself really.” My throat burned and ached with every word but I kept talking. It felt enjoyable, being able to talk instead of scream and cry for help.
“Hm.” Malkin then starts to look me up and down with a look of study. “Well using basic math, you’re probably…Sixteen. Since it was that long ago, at least that I know of, that you were born. Though I guess you were never given a name. So how about we come up with one?” Malkin sounded cheerful about this idea. And to be honest, I felt cheerful also. A name sounded nice. It was then I wondered something, how did he have any idea as to when I was born? “So then, what would you like to be called?”
“Um…How about something like…” I started to try and think of a name. Though I couldn’t think of anything. So I forced myself to think harder. Then something wriggled into my mind. A name. The name Ahrima. “How about I get named Ahrima?” I could start to feel my face warm up for some reason and I liked the name. It seemed important. It seemed like Malkin also liked the name since he started to give a roar of a laugh and started to bend back.
“That’s a wonderful, beautiful name! Very fitting for a beautiful girl such as yourself! Alright then, from now on I’ll call you Ahrima!” Something about Malkin’s joy seemed to spread. Before long I started to feel happy and started to laugh a little also. Maybe there was a reason Malkin was meant to meet me. I wanted this moment to last a little longer but it didn’t. I started to hear a hissing. A very strong hissing that seemed to pry into my mind. Giving me a big headache. My body getting chilled to the bone I started to fall to my knees. Holding my hands to my ears trying to keep the noise out to no avail. I felt like I was going to break. I then saw something walking towards us. Something hidden in a large cloak and hood. Malkin stood at attention and faced this new enemy, his hand on the hilt of his blade of damned souls. Was this a guard or something much stronger?
I could feel the hissing growing stronger in my mind. I could feel myself starting to black out. Each step that monster took towards us, the hissing got even stronger. If it stood right next to me, would my head just explode? I couldn’t black out this time, I had to fight it, I had to stay awake and not give into my weakness, to show that I could grow stronger. My vision became blurred and layered. I looked for Malkin in my broken state and saw that he was directly ahead of me, his back facing me. Hand at the ready in a strong stance, ready to bring out and swing his blade at any moment. The hooded figure just kept advancing towards us. I tried to look and see any features but anything possible to see was hidden by the cloak and hood. The red glow of hell starting to soften, it was starting to become a new day. As the figure gets closer the hissing in my head gets stronger still. Then the figure got within the range of Malkin’s blade. Yet, Malkin did not strike. I wanted to scream out at him, curse him for not helping my pain. I then realized, he must be facing the exact same thing, if not stronger.
“I am the messenger for the king of hell. I have been told that I am to bring the child back to M’lord. If not willingly worked with then my true message will be delivered. My message of death.” As the thing spoke the hissing becomes louder and stronger, threatening to destroy my ability to think, even my mind. It was a direct deliverance of insanity striking against me. The voice making it stronger, the voice of a broken throat that was forced dead yet knowing, the voice of insanity. “So if you please, hand over the child so that I may take my leave and return to M’lord.” I continued to look at Malkin but I was only able to see his back, I thought maybe he just a husk now. His mind long killed by the insanity. But as I looked I saw that he was still breathing, very heavily though.
“Her name…Is…Ahrima.” Malkin spoke, through labored breathing and with great struggle. The hooded thing then gives off a hoarse noise that sounded guttural, Was it laughing?
“So you gave the child a name. I suppose that means that she is your pet now. Though sadly, I’m going to have to take your pet away.” The thing then raises a gloved hand and Malkin jumps out of its path to avoid an unseen force, a force that nearly struck me, it only grazed me but I could tell what the force was, hearing so much, the voices of many, the true knowledge of few, the lives of millions and deaths of some. Pure insanity. My head gave a sharp series of throbs but I forced myself to look still.
Malkin swayed to the side of the enemy, in his blind spot, yet he still didn’t draw his sword for a strike. His breathing was still labored, though, he seemed to be controlling it. Then I noticed something, the scar on his lame left shoulder was giving off a pale purple aura. The aura seemed weak but also seemed to surge with power. My eyes hurt staring at it. Then to my surprise his left arm moved. An arm that was supposed to be lame for life moved and reached for his eye patch. With a gentle movement the eye patch came off and his eye showed with a dark aura also. Though this one didn’t hurt to look at and at some point it all seemed to center to his pupil. Leaving only a pure black right eye.
“A power that is based off the dark originals, insanity drive. Because of my past experience in life I developed a special skill, the darkness eater. A skill that thrives over darkness and eats it to become power. Let’s see if it can challenge an original, though.”
Very good visual images with your writing there. Some scenes gave me chills. I think your version of Hell is going to influence my image of it now.
It was a really interesting read. At first the first person writing kinda put me off but as I read more I got used to it lol. It works well with the story, too.
ggFTW Rules★ggFTW Events★comedy.mp4 My fingers trace lines of azures and scarlets, following the viridian milky ways above
To the poetry of fourteen billion years of light that mellows my heart into a melody
Malkin’s lame arm had started to function like as though it was always useable, giving off an aura that just hurt to look at it, as though it were forcefully pulling you towards it. His eye showing with a deep darkness that seemed to have a pulling effect similar to his arm, yet this one seemed weaker, as though it slowly guided you towards it. The hooded thing seemed to flinch from seeing these, maybe he was feeling the same effect I was. Was it scared of Malkin’s ability? The figure then starts to stand straight again and give off its deep guttural laugh again. Each laugh sending a new surge of insanity towards me, adding to the already growing amount. Just moments before this insanity seemed to not only affect me, but also Malkin, since his arm and eye started glowing though, it seemed as though it had little to no effect on him. It also seemed that with each laugh the aura on his lame arm grew and grew, a deeper shade of black taking place of the previous shade each time. From dull to deep darkness. The hooded figure then raises a sickening green scaled hand, its palm directly facing Malkin, the hand jerking back every second. The only way I could tell it was sending insanity. Malkin, just as before, dodging the barrage. Though this time with more ease, his body already seemingly used to the attack.
“Heh. Such a simple attack. With my eye, I can see it,” Malkin then swings his sword with his good hand and then the blade seems to cry out. Malkin’s eye and arm growing darker still. Why was this happening? Then speaking my thoughts the hooded figure talks in its insanity driven voice.
“What do you mean you can see it? Darkness is infinite. Once made into its true form, it can never be truly seen. So you must be lying!” With that the figure sends another barrage but instead of moving to avoid it this time, Malkin simple stands there, with only his sword slightly raised. Had he gone mad and just decided to let the insanity get him?
“It’s simple. My eyes sees all forms of darkness, no matter how strongly concentrated it is, my arm can use the darkness to be able to function normally again and my blade can collect the darkness. All working together to fuel it’s constant hunger for the darkness that makes up hell. I was made from the darkness, and feed on the darkness. Go figure,” the figure sends another useless barrage and Malkin still only stood there, slightly shifting his blade every once in a while. It was clear that the hooded figure was panicking now. At this point his eye and arm stop getting darker and then his turn has come. “I can clearly see, that you have no power yourself. All your power comes from that hood you wear. None of it is your own.”
“Y-you dare mock my power?! I have one of the great powers of the originals. I’ll drive your mind past the limit of breaking! I’ll fill it with so much insanity that it will just turn into liquid!” The figure then raises its hand once again and this time the insanity that flowed out was visible, all forms of writing appearing on its growing surface, forms of unknown beast racing around, the light and darkness dying together, leading to nothing. He then launched it. A barrage of insanity that wasn’t even close to being aimed at me, yet I could clearly feel the effect it left as it raked across my mind.
“You’re the one mocking me. Thinking an attack like that will affect me at this point,” Malkin brought both of his hands to the handle of his sword and raised the deadly blade over his head. Bringing it down with devastating force as the visible insanity neared him. The orb that once threatened my thinking ability, cut. Turning into darkness and then flowing into Malkin’s sword.
The creature took one shaky step back. Malkin merely grinned at it. A crazed look in his eyes. He stepped closer as the creature kept backing up. Malkin getting ready for the final blow. I noticed it then. A slight movement under the cloak of the creature. I looked up once again, only to be blinded by a shower of bright sparks.
Clash of metal
A spark hit my face. It burned but I forced my eyes open. I had to see what happened. Slowly I forced them open, scared that another spark may fly up and make me blind. Malkin looked bewildered. He was holding his sword hilt strongly with one hand. Though it was shaking slightly. When I looked over to the hooded creature I understood why I noticed his cloak move from underneath before. Fully extended, clashing with Malkin’s sword. It had a enormous scale covered tail. The tail itself was wider than me and almost as long. The tip of it covered in metal with spikes coming out of it. As it caught the light of hell it reflected slightly. Making a sickly combination of red and green light.
“So, you’re a Kyote,” Malkin was slowly bringing his other hand to the hilt once more. The being giving off its hoarse laugh once more.
“Please, I am nothing like those half beast. I gave my humanity to become what I am. They still believe that being human as possible is better. They have no idea of what becoming a full beast is like. The power, the raw emotions and senses that flood into you,” Malkin had both his hands on his sword now and with one stroke forced the creatures tail away. As he got back into his stance I noticed that his eyes seemed crazed once again. I was getting scared of that look. He seemed normal when he was talking to me, yet now he seemed so different.
“Tell me, beast. What is your name? I would like to know the name of the fool who gave into cheap power. How did you obtain it?” Malkin placed his left foot forward and turned his body to the side. “Ahrima, keep watch. This is a way of making it so that your opponent has less to hit. You may have to fight for your own at some point,” he turned his sword to that the blade was pointing towards the ground using only one hand to keep it steady.
“I’ll humor you. My name is Vain. My power was given to me by the King himself. I have his blessing. You have no chance,” Vain charged then. His tailed raised and his hands forming sanity in them. Malkin dug his blade into the ground and then angled it upwards quickly. A shower of rock and dust flying into the lizard beast. His tail still aimed at him though. Malkin grabbed his hilt with both hands and knocked the tail away and charged at Vain at once.
“You’re a fool!” He ducked into the cracks of Vain’s blinded defense and jabbed the hilt of his sword into the cloth of the beast. A loud grunt being heard as Malkin makes contact. “Power doesn’t come from someone giving it to you. It comes from the hard work you do to earn it!” Malkin then jumped up and slammed the hilt against the skull of Vain. A slight thud could be heard as he crashed to the ground. I was staring at Vain. Expecting some sort one last desperate attack. Instead I heard a soft coughing.
“Shut up,” Vain started to push himself up. I was surprised that he still even had energy to move left. “I needed the power. Ever since he came into power it has been a constant struggle down hill. You need power or else you die here. I merely accepted his power. Is it so much of a sin to want power?” Malkin stared down. I couldn’t get a read of his expression at all. Under a soft voice he replied.
“No, it’s not a sin at all. It is a sin though, if you use that power for only yourself, if you use it for others. It’s a sin to give up who you are,” at those last words, he slowly raised his sword above Vain.
“Heh. I’m glad I was to die to someone who gave me back my sense in the humanity I gave up,” He drove the blade down. A black oil coming out of his body. Oil mixing with blood. The oil started to then flow into Malkin’s sword. He looked up. He seemed tired. Then, with no warning, he collapsed.
With a price.
Before Malkin could fully impact the ground, I raced up and lunged towards him. The rest of his body hit the ground with a heavy thud except for his head. The only thing I was able to prevent from crashing as he fell down. I gently placed it down and then started calling to him.
“Malkin! Malkin, what happened? Did he strike you one last time before you brought your blade down or something,” I started trying to make him wake up by slowly rocking his body. After what felt like the same amount of time I spent in that dark cell, I started violently rocking his body. After no movement I rolled him on his back and placed my ear against his bare chest. It felt cold to the touch but I listened as much as I could. It was extremely weak but I could sense it. His heart was still beating. Just very slowly.
Without realizing what I was about to do. I raised my right hand high over my head and then formed a fist. With all my might I brought it down on his chest. I cried out as I saw myself hitting his cold body with such force. I had no idea what had come over me. Bringing my hand close to my face I stared at it in pure disbelief. Did I really just do that to the person who saved me? As though in answer, there was a small sound. A cough, coming from Malkin’s body. That cough then grew and started to become a loud series of coughs that hurt my throat as I imagined how they must have felt as they tore through his throat and mouth. I quickly remembered my own voice feeling such pain while I was in that horrible darkness.
He started moving then. It was a slow one but he moved. I stayed by his side. Watching him. Each passing minute he seemed to move a little more. First his finger, then his thumb, his whole hand, now his arm. “Ahrima,” his voice sounded very dry and far away so I had to get close to hear him. “Thank you for that. Had you not been here, I would have probably died from all this recent activity,” as he said that, I couldn’t help but think in the back of my mind that had I not been alive in the first place, he wouldn’t have had to go through any of this. Why the hell was I even alive?
Since he spoke, he closed his eyes. His breathing started to stop being so fast and instead started to slow. I wanted to help him somehow while he was resting. Looking at him once more, I noticed his sword sheath. Smoothly taking it away from him I held the cool sword case firmly in my hand and walked to the spot where his sword rested. As I was about to take hold of the handle in my hand I heard a soft voice from where Malkin laid. He spoke too late though.
As my hand wrapped around it I felt a large shock go through my entire body. Everything the shock going through seeming to shut down. The pain going through my entire body until it at last reached my mind. Which soon grew dark. My ability to think shutting down. I don’t know how long I laid in that spot but I realized that my body hadn’t shut down. It was just dark. In the center of the dark, in a very far away sounding voice, was the pained screams of someone in the dark. The cries of pain making my ears ring. The cries continued for seemingly decades but stopped at some point. What came from the lack of cries was a faint light. Much like the one Malkin’s arm had. From the very back, the source of the darkness sat a young looking man with slight facial hair. Looking confused, yet also victorious as he looked at the sword that rested in his hands. I think understood what I was seeing, but I didn’t understand how I was seeing it. I saw the moment Malkin obtained his darkness slayer.
You need to go back and proofread your story. There's lots of grammatical errors and sometimes the narration switches from past-tense to present-tense. To be honest, I thought the story was very bland. The fight scene between Vain and Malkin reminded me of something I'd see in a shounen with the characters explaining their powers and talking like it's a free action. Your characters aren't very well developed and I think the emotional scenes suffer greatly from this fact. On the plus side your version of hell is kind of interesting despite the fact that the only thing I know about it so far is that it's red. Anyway, don't let my dislike of your story stop you from continuing to write it. You only get better as you go... sometimes.
Personally, I know about my grammatical errors but I can only easily know so much with going from Spanish to English in writing. Past to present is still something I need to work on noticing.
The fighting, it wasn't really a serious right due to Malkin being weak/going a bit easy on Vain. Honestly I was planning to make it more to the fictional dream flow but simply too many people *****ed about wondering what's going on. So I had to add the talking, for now, to stop the *****ing.
Though in all honesty, the lack of character development was on purpose since it's to show how frequently the two have faced with something. It's a shitty thing to do but I felt like doing it. (I never planned for emotional scenes though, surprised you viewed some parts as that.)
All in all though, this is still the skeleton build of the story. Plus, not my cup of tea when writing since I still need to research ideals of heaven and hell. Only reason I write this particular story is because I liked the idea of it.