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02-14-2011   #1 (permalink)
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Default My family is breaking into pieces,..

..I believe.


Just a short review of my 16 years:

When I was 3 years old, my parents often fought with each other in front of my big brother's (3 years older than me) and my eyes. Until, I became 5, my brother, my mother and I moved into another flat. I can still remember one terrible fight between them and the fact, that my brother and I only cried in his room. I'm not even sure what the reason may be. I heard so many stories explaining the reason of the drama.
My father started to become an alcoholic, stole my mum's money, freaked out a lot, even hurt my mum that big, that she had to go to the police. That's why she got divorced and still hates him a lot.
That's how my grandma and mum explained me.

Second story would be, my mum was paranoid about the money, about everything my father did. Therefore my father freaked out and decided to drink. He lost his job, his flat, his everything. -> My mum filed for divorce.
That's how my brother sees it, while my father once explained to me:

He just started to drink and lost everything that's the real reason.
Sure that's not very detailed. But I didn't want to ask for details, seeing that he regrets everything he did.

I'm not sure which story to believe, I don't know and I don't care anymore. But I know, IT HAS BEEN LONG ENOUGH FOR MY MOTHER OR WHATEVER TO FORGIVE HIM.

So that you won't get in confusion, my brother and I are in good terms with my father.

Well, my brother stopped drinking by now, which is really strong. He drank like for more than 11 years and really did crazy things.
My brother once said to me, "our father is depressive and that he needs to go to a clinic,.. urgent."
And my mother? Being stubborn like always. Isn't it time to forgive him?
Anyway... that's about not having a real father during my childhood.

Going on..

Because my brother got to know with violence pretty early, he often used it against me, forcing me to do things I don't want to. I really hated him back then, I should still do but I'm not really the person for that.

My brother is 19 today and lazy like hell, which annoys my mother really. Therefore she often controls him if he's going to his apprenticeship and other.
And that's my brother's problem. He told me today: "I hate her. No jokes. It got like that. She always controls me like a crazy b***. Her attitude is like, I couldn't make anything. I seriously hate her and I'm thinking about to stop the connection with her once I get my solid job."
And this is something new to me. I never thought of him thinking like this.
All the times he freaked out when my mother asked him, 'what did you do today?' - I thought he would just overact like a retard.
Sure, many boys are probably like this. 'I hate my mum for asking me too much', 'She's so annoying me', okay.. but he's 19 and not a dumb boy by now. He's an adult and not a silly teenager. I'm not sure how to deal with that statement, because he wasn't very angry at my mum that time. He always felt like hating her 'only' but sounded seriously.

On the other hand, doesn't my brother really overact? My mother only worries about him. He broke her trust by ditching school many times, lying to her and other. So why is he mad at her about that? Isn't it his fault, why my mother thinks he wouldn't make anything? He's a very lazy person. Doesn't do anything at all once he comes home and my mother is really dissappointed about that. Additionally, my mother is diabetic, thinking about she won't be able to live for long, breaks me into tears. And still, she has to work 10 hours on the market. It's really hard and I'm sure with that.
Isn't my brother being a real ungrateful wretch? She raised him to a 1,87/100kg boy and that's his thankyou? Do you have an idea how hard my mother had to work for that? We're foreigners.

Sigh*.

I don't want my brother to hate my mum, I want my mum to forgive my father, I want a father who makes my mother happy and I don't want my family to break into pieces.

I'm afraid of the future.
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Last edited by harmony; 02-14-2011 at 01:09 PM.
 
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02-14-2011   #2 (permalink)
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Kind of like my situation, my brother is ungrateful to our parents and my parents hate each other.

For your brother i'd say he just has to realize on his own how much his mom cares for him and is doing all of this for his sake, and on the parents you should let them handle that themselves maybe one day things will get better between them you never know.

There isn't really much you can do and you shouldn't beat yourself up.
 
02-14-2011   #3 (permalink)
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Are you sure your not Americans it sounds like it?!

As a fellow foreigner i sympathize with you,I hope your problems are resolved soon
and i can total understand why this happens if you live in European nation,
American cultural is destructive.
LOL So many -Reps and Racist calls funny Americans Have you captured any slaves lately or invaded any countries?!
(apparently Some people are illiterate I called the cultural destructive! I don't see how it leads to race since American is a mixing pot of races.)
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Last edited by Millas; 02-14-2011 at 04:24 PM.
 
02-14-2011   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Millas
Are you sure your not Americans it sounds like it?!

As a fellow foreigner i sympathize with you,I hope your problems are resolved soon
and i can total understand why this happens if you live in European nation,
American cultural is destructive.
How is this relevant at all? All humans have their destructive ways you're just condescending on Americans now.


You know...maybe there's no neutral point in your family. All signs point to where your mother is controlling everyone's life and they're not liking her for it so they're taking it out on someone else. Seek family counseling, get stuff of your chest, and work toward solutions. Your brother sobered up after a amazing drinking spree since he was still a kid...which I still find surprising. He's just taking the route of your father at this point since no one is guiding him to a different path. It seems like your mother's side of the family doesn't give a crap when it comes to helping you. There's only so much advice people on an forum can give you. You need to seek out real help from someone you trust. Has your mother considered remarrying since it seems like she's forced to work due to financial struggles.
 
02-14-2011   #5 (permalink)
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:d let's start a flame war...you americans are good at war but i am better with moronic yelp fest!
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02-14-2011   #6 (permalink)
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And you know the reason why I am here. Let's not get this escalated. Keep on topic and lets not talk about Americans.
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02-14-2011   #7 (permalink)
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I don't know what else to say but to seek help in real life from someone you trust - friends or maybe relatives. Of course you can get help in this forum but it won't be anything big, just advices I guess.
In my point of view your brother is still immature. I knew some people in their 20ish years still "enjoying life", they didn't "wake up" and started seeking a decent study, graduation or at least a job until around 25 y.o.
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02-14-2011   #8 (permalink)
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I agree with what Henreh and Nibo both said ... now I am sorry but I think I wrote a post longer than yours.

Sounds very much like a situation I was in ... But let's not worry about that for now. I am sorry if it seems like I am bashing everyone in your family ... but I am just expressing my perspective, just as you had through out this. I can't faully grasp 13 years worth of issues, so please bare with me as I write this.

But your mother is not the only one at fault, you also have to understand that your father has some role in it. A relationship requires two people to work together. Until those differences are worked out, even if they did get back together, that won't instantly fix years worth of pain.
If your father decided to drink to hide from issues rather than discuss it with her, I'm afraid that it won't work. I don't mean to bash your father ... but he's the one who should be trying to talk to your mom, not you.
For your mother, you have to understand her position ... she is doing her best to raise you all up without a husband. You don't have a father, but she also does not have a husband. You are all in this together ... so please remember that. My father was like that to my mother, it can feel really hard when it seems like the whole world is against you ... and for alot of people their family is the world.

If you wish ... perhaps you can try talking about it with your father? I got into a lot of bad situations by trying to delve into my parents matters ... but despite that pain I don't regret it. Now, please don't throw yourself into a dangerous situation. If he was willing to beat your mother, I really don't want to see you get hurt.
And don't take having no father for a childhood to heart. I know it's difficult, especially being raised in a world where everyone should have the "ideal" 2 parents, but life is not always like that. Your mother is doing her best to help you both

Years are only numbers, your brother can grow to live to be a thousand and still have those feelings. I understand your position though, my mother is quite paranoid about a lot of things. She would like never let me out of the house to visit friends til i was like 16! ( Sobs ).
You're a nice person for being so forgiving ... so I really don't want to see a person like you get hurt.

And to be honest
Quote:
Because my brother got to know with violence pretty early, he often used it against me, forcing me to do things I don't want to. I really hated him back then, I should still do but I'm not really the person for that.
That statement frightens me to be quite honest.

That is very much how I view it ... and seeing how he acts, it is ultimately up for himself to understand his issues. You can try to help ... but as I said, I don't want to see you end up getting hurt.
I understand if he's hurt about not having a father ... but that was years ago, he needs to be able to move and get by with what is going on.


And I hate to say it, but perhaps it is time for you to move forward as well? You won't get out of the tunnel if you keep turning back and waiting for the light to come to you ...

It's not easy. Do you have friends or other relatives who can perhaps help you move on? Perhaps they are not able to replace your "family", but I am sure you know of some people who act as one. I am not telling you to abandon your family, but rather finding people who can give you strength or hold you up when you need help. Someone or some people who can lift you up so that one day you can return to help your family.

I am sorry if I am sounding cheesy or corny, but that's how I moved on with my life.
So please take care, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask. I'll do my best to help even if I don't know you.
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02-16-2011   #9 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear about that...
Mine is sort-of breaking too right now >< but my brother is the total opposite of yours. It's like he's so carefree. He doesn't let our parents' problems hinder his daily life. Like yours, my mom doesn't want to forgive my dad although he isn't alcoholic, abusive or anything like that. He's actually pretty good, well my mom says he is just putting up an act in front of us, but anyways let's avoid my problem.

In my opinion, like what sheep said, you can try talking with your dad. Also it's a good idea to talk with people to help you move on, however sometimes some people will just tell you that you have to deal with it blah blah. I'm about the same age as you, (15, turning 16 this year). My cousin, whom I've been consulting to, gives logical advice, yet sometimes it just hurts. :/ I wont be like her and convince you to be all happy and deal with that though. There is one thing which I read somewhere...it said that if you keep on thinking about problems, you're just hurting yourself more. I'm pretty sure that your parents wouldn't like that either...although it's because of them that you're feeling this way..

Just a tip, if you're looking for someone to talk to, I think it'd be better to talk to someone who has no idea about this (don't talk about it either) and could make you laugh. Rather than someone who relates with you and could probably just make you feel even more depressed...but it's your choice really. Also, I'm not trying to sound all preachy or anything, but although this may sound illogical or something to some people, sometimes you can just quiet down yourself and pray. GOOD LUCK! I hope things go well for you. (sorry for the punctuation/grammatical errors).
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02-25-2011   #10 (permalink)
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Does your dad knows about the situation?
If you feel your dad is reliable and is reasonable; if he no longer have any hate or anger against your mom and if you feel it is ok, tell him about the things that you said here.
Get him to talk some sense into your brother.

For the forgive part, sometimes it can be harder than you think.
Some things are really easier said than done.

If it really matters, tell them what you've said here before it is too late. (as always it is easier said then done)

Get a part time job and lessen your mom's burden if you can.

For your brother's situation, there's nothing much you can do except for him to really be out in the real world where he is on his own.

Hope everything goes well for you.
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