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05-29-2012   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is it ok to open up for friends anymore?

I have always been unwilling to take help from others. I don't know why, but if I asked someone to listen to my problems. I would always feel that I own that person something. At the same time I would only tell my closest friend because I trust my friend with my feelings.

It is nothing like a secret - well not always, more like something that I really care about, such as a thought or a belief or something that bugs me.

I always feel that I've wasted their precious time. If they listen to what I have to say and then need to comfort me and maybe give me advices. Yes I feel that I really need to talk about things to another person. Sometimes to just let it out.

I used to have a very very close friend. A childhood friend that I have known since I was 9. I told her lots of things, and she was the only person I told and the first person I would chose to tell. I trusted her a lot.
But lately, I feel that she is somewhat using me to gain contact with my other friends. It isn't necessary for me to go into details. So I will not tell more about it.

I didn't make a big deal about it, simply stopped contacting her. And because I did so, she did the same. I feel sad about it. Because I felt that the one friend I chose to trust could turn to me like this. I know tho that I also have myself to blame since I stopped contacting her the first. But then, this only proves even more that she was using me to get to know other people.

With that said, I don't feel sure about trusting anymore friends. I really want to talk to someone about things. But I wasn't that close with my other friends as I was with my childhood friend. I don't know if it is ok to talk to my other friends. I'd owe them too if I did. I would feel that I was bothering them.

Actually, I feel that in the society, everyone needs to take care of themselves. Everyone are busy with their own life. It seems like no one truly cares. I don't feel confident being open to others anymore. It isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do.
I have always wished that there is someone to share my thoughts with, but I don't think people are created for such things. People are selfish it seems...
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05-29-2012   #2 (permalink)
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I know how you feel. Here's some of my thoughts;

No one cares, and when they say they do they really don't.
People have been changing around me so much, I honestly can say I don't trust anyone anymore. People who were so loving, can turn so cold within a few seconds, and it's like I never existed to them, like the past is just wiped, I don't see how anyone can do that. They won't even talk things out, it's just done.


I had friends similar to your friend, I was able to talk to them about everything, I always felt as if they wanted me to just stop going to them and leave them alone. My oldest and only childhood friend doesn't talk to any of her friends now that she's in a relationship with a huge liar. My other childhood friends decided it's better to get knocked up at the age of 16 and then party all the time. My current friends I met around either highschool or they're very new friends, and I don't even see them much. They're too busy partying to. And if I talk to one of them about personal issues, it spreads around to people I don't like or trust at all.

But now, even though it's not good, I'm trying to keep things to myself, and just blocking myself off from friends of any sort. Who needs friends if they're just going to end up leaving? What pisses me off most is when I can't fully trust someone and someone wants me to. And it's a good thing I didn't, he turned out to be the same as everyone else in my past. They can't just understand that I have troubles trusting not just him, but everyone. Trying to trust isn't good enough. People are definitely selfish. My thoughts tend to wonder a lot, and I have major anxiety problems, I've always been like that. They expect me to change I've had for pretty much my whole life, just to make things better for them, and in a few weeks.

Sorry I can't give advice but, just thought I'd share my thoughts.
 
05-29-2012   #3 (permalink)
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Like Settie, I don't have any advice, but sometimes it's nice knowing you're not the only one. As I posted in another thread, I started to feel this way around 10th grade/sophomore year of high school. I started to do online school and everyone who I thought were my friends (one being a friend since the age of 5), just stopped contact with me, even though I'd try really hard to stay friends. I'd tell them how I felt like I was unwanted and nothing changed. Me and the friend I had since 5 still stayed friends and saw each other every now and then.. until she got a boyfriend. She brought him over to my house to hang out so I decided to add him on msn and we became friends pretty fast which my friend didn't like. She was so jealous of our friendship that she told him very awful things about me - things that weren't even true. So I get how it is to have (who you thought were) good friends just turn on you like that.

Now I just don't care about finding or having friends, because what's even the point? I get that many people are happy with having a bunch of friends and I can understand that, but it's just not something I desire or enjoy. I don't care to open up to anyone, because again, what's even the point? I have one person who I truly care about and who cares about me, which is all I want/need.
 
05-29-2012   #4 (permalink)
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Wahh yes, I've told many people I feel unwanted, too. They don't bother saying anything or they get mad at me for feeling that way. How2be mad at someone who has a FEELING? Thats like being mad at someone for being sad or happy. You can't change how you feel.
 
05-29-2012   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Settie
I know how you feel.

No one cares, and when they say they do they really don't.
People have been changing around me so much, I honestly can say I don't trust anyone anymore.

here same!


you should only care about who care about you!


who change like that don't bother your self i know its hurt.. but who not scared to lose you .. IGNORE THEM!

but is not Right to be alone! you will find one great friend for you...you know left for me 3 only good best friends!! i never guess the 3 friends will stay with me from the other tons i have !! i didn't know they love me and care about me that much and i really respect them!!

Give your friends care as they give you .
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Last edited by Ladynoosy; 05-30-2012 at 07:14 AM.
 
05-29-2012   #6 (permalink)
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Thanx for sharing Settie and Nikeos.

It is sad that you two also experienced such.

However, I feel that I really need a friend that I can rely on.
Actually... one of the virtues that I trust is to be open, be honest, forgiving, trusting in others and more. It is that kind of person I wish to be, and the kind of people I hope to get to know.

I feel that I would fail in those virtues if I couldn't open up to friends again. It is my goal and my belief in life, to be like that. But at the same time, I'm not sure if it is just dumb, naive and too idealistic to believe in such things.

@noosy.
When you say: ignore the friends that no longer care about you.
That is pretty much what I did to my childhood friend when I stopped contacting her. The same time I did that, I felt that I was being a bad friend too. Because I think that if one truly cherishes the friendship, they wouldn't give up that easily.

But then, I don't like to complain to her, she would surely defend herself. I don't like drama, thus I did what I did. I don't think what I did was good. I have actually not seen my friend in over a half year, and I actually miss her. >.<
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Last edited by Azumarill; 05-29-2012 at 11:50 AM.
 
05-29-2012   #7 (permalink)
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I think that's a great type of person to be and I don't think it's dumb in any way to believe in that. My dad tells me that if you die with at least 1 true friend, you were lucky. Most people are selfish jerkwads, so I wish you luck in finding those kinds of people and becoming who you want to be.

edit; Also what Noosy said - if someone doesn't show they care for you after you caring for them, forget about them. It's rare that someone strives to be a good person, don't waste yourself on people who don't matter.

Last edited by Nikeos; 05-29-2012 at 12:00 PM.
 
05-29-2012   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azumarill
@noosy.
When you say: ignore the friends that no longer care about you.
That is pretty much what I did to my childhood friend when I stopped contacting her. The same time I did that, I felt that I was being a bad friend too. Because I think that if one truly cherishes the friendship, they wouldn't give up that easily.

But then, I don't like to complain to her, she would surely defend herself. I don't like drama, thus I did what I did. I don't think what I did was good. I have actually not seen my friend in over a half year, and I actually miss her. >.<

you did the right thing! is not bad .. its not about giving up!! she Changed...
if she really love you and care about you will never do that to you or lose you easy . but maybe she had problems that time :l .. some friends changed fast from the Problems they had.
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05-29-2012   #9 (permalink)
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The thing is.
I didn't complain a lot to my friend. I did tell her a little about how I felt. She was being defensive, so I didn't want to talk about it again. But I actually didn't try a whole lot to solve the problem. It was me having problems with her while she didn't have any problems with my actions. I didn't want to try and changer her to the way I wanted her to be. I don't have the right to do that.

I can only observe her actions. It doesn't mean that I know her intentions. I can't say that she doesn't care for me. It seem like that to me, but I don't know for sure therefore I cannot claim that she doesn't care. I gave up and now I wonder if I should have tried a bit harder. I've know her the longest of all friends.

I worry about opening up to friends. But being like that would be the same as taking friendship too lightly right?
I feel that I always contradict myself with what I think is right and what I want to believe in...
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05-29-2012   #10 (permalink)
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Trying harder never works. I've literally fought for things, and tried as hard as I could to save friendships/relationships but it's always the other side lacking or giving up.

I'm done talking about that though. It's not my problem anymore, it's theirs.


My advice for you is to just mention that you're not feeling well, or ask if you can tell them something, before just coming out and saying it. If they say yes, try to keep it short. If they say no, don't mention it again. And if they did say yes, always ask before you talk to them about things again. Sometimes, they might be busy and not have time to listen. And when they say "Oh, you can talk to me about anything" don't take it seriously. That can change very quickly.

And if you lose friends, don't worry. It's their loss. It's not just you who has to try, it's them, too. She could have came and said "hey, what's up? how have you been?" but it was her choice not to.
 
05-29-2012   #11 (permalink)
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That is pretty much what I do.
Ask first if they have time to listen. I rarely ask them to, but when I do they always say yes. But I feel that, if the bestest friend that I trusted the most would turn like this. The others would do the same?

I don't know if people usually feel it is boring/bothering to listen to someone speaking of their hardships? I don't want to put them trough that if they aren't doing it truly willingly. :x
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05-29-2012   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Aqua~

I made it to this thread. Friendships work like relationships too. It's not a one-sided thing. Both have to work for their friendship. I also don't like asking for help from people because I don't want to burden them or I feel like I would owe them. In my culture - when you do someone a favor, you need to pay them back with a favor too. I usually end up over-doing it...if you do 1 small favor for me I'd probably be always buying things for you or giving items for free.

Spoiler!

I like this quote, mainly because it shows you who your friends are. From what you said about your friend...she may be using you. Friends don't do that. Yes it hurts when you get betrayed by someone you trust but if you never put yourself out there or you're not willing to get hurt to find someone who will be your best friend, then you'll have a hard time finding someone who will be there for you always.

Friends are there to listen to you talk about your problems and help you back, this should work vise versa. So you would help her if she had a problem too.

Quote:
Actually, I feel that in the society, everyone needs to take care of themselves. Everyone are busy with their own life. It seems like no one truly cares. I don't feel confident being open to others anymore. It isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do.
I have always wished that there is someone to share my thoughts with, but I don't think people are created for such things. People are selfish it seems...
My mom used to tell me to look out for myself only and to stop being so nice to people. Because they're only going to use me and take advantage of me. She'd basically tell me to be selfish. And I don't agree with that. I believe if you're nice to people, people will return the same favor. I'm not saying there aren't people who won't take advantage because I know they will...but in the long run, would you rather be known as someone who cares and is kind? Or someone who's a selfish person who only cares about him/herself. I don't believe my mom is a selfish person but I do believe she's afraid people would use me because I care and trust everyone. She wants me to take care of myself first before caring for other people.

People do care - you just have to put yourself out there and find the right person. Like I said above you're going to get hurt in the process but you'd most likely find a best friend you'd be friends with until you grow old.
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05-29-2012   #13 (permalink)
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I have a friend who I literally did everything for... she had a mentally abusive relationship with this guy for over a year and I kept telling her (at the least) she had pushed me aside, from what I know I am her best friend. Her parents are like my second parents and every summer in high school I spent at least a month straight with her at her summer home in Vermont. We literally have everything in common, from our eating habits to our hobbies (video games ha). But she's really frustrating to deal with. She's said that when she's talking to people online, she can only focus on one person. I don't really agree with that. How can you be SO into talking with someone that she couldn't talk to me? It was awful when we started college... she'd been with the guy for like 8 months by then. I kept trying to talk to her and it'd take like 40 minutes in between messages, and all I get was a "sorry I'm bad at multitasking". I was there for her when her boyfriend broke up with her for "not being happy enough about the school he got in", I was there for her when she didn't know what to do about him, or the days she wanted to get out, I was there.

Honestly, I can hardly remember a time she was there for me. When she was with him, there were many times I was done with her. We had our one huge argument when we graduated, too. The story is, I graduated and had my party the week after. She said she couldn't go cause she was driving down to see the abusive boyfriend. I was so upset I just went all-out lashing (I had already been there to support her a few times before that, and I've been there for her since we met at age 12). She said I was being selfish, but I would never put my boyfriend before her party, and I didn't. I could understand if she really wanted to go see him, but she wasn't even going to come to my party just to say hi.

Now of course she laughs at how stupid she was for staying with him, but I was right the whole time. I'm the only person who knows her boyfriend too (new one), so I hardly know him but I was the middle man, once again. They had a huge argument and I know he really cares for her at least so I was being the mediator, trying to get her to listen to him and trying to stay as unbiased as possible. Needless to say, thanks to me they got back together.

What do I get? She never initiates conversation, every time I try it's like a several day wait on a text response or a never-response on Skype, or WoW, or Diablo. I'm probably closer to her parents at this point (at one point, she went to bed one night and I stayed up watching a movie with them, ha).

She came home this weekend and didn't even send me a message. She lives in Florida with the guy I helped her keep.



tl;dr - People will take advantage of you, and sometimes you do all you can to show you care and help and they'll still put you second peg. From experience, it's better to cut them off sooner or later. I wish I kept my promise and never helped her again. I know it sounds awful because I think she's happy with the guy she's with now, but if she's just going to shit on everything I do for her...


I have a really good friend up near me, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend. This is my network. My friend up here already said she wants me to be her maid of honor. So my other friend can shove it for all I care, I have my support, when her boyfriend leaves or she leaves she'll cry to me for the pieces, I don't know if I can put her together anymore.
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05-29-2012   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Settie
Trying harder never works. I've literally fought for things, and tried as hard as I could to save friendships/relationships but it's always the other side lacking or giving up.

I'm done talking about that though. It's not my problem anymore, it's theirs.


My advice for you is to just mention that you're not feeling well, or ask if you can tell them something, before just coming out and saying it. If they say yes, try to keep it short. If they say no, don't mention it again. And if they did say yes, always ask before you talk to them about things again. Sometimes, they might be busy and not have time to listen. And when they say "Oh, you can talk to me about anything" don't take it seriously. That can change very quickly.

And if you lose friends, don't worry. It's their loss. It's not just you who has to try, it's them, too. She could have came and said "hey, what's up? how have you been?" but it was her choice not to.
You don't know how many times people have told me that line.
Also, yeah only some people care, other doesn't care, & the
others are just curious to know because they just want to know.
I have a friend were i always listen to her problems and such i
really don't mind and i'll give my input, but it seems i do more
work for the friendship.

I tryed being a nice guy Freshman year
you know were that got me? No where, but bullyied by idiotic
people i had to have classes with and yeah i get what you mean
about wanting to talk about your problems, if you wanna hear
something
Spoiler!

Yeah, i was that super nice guy and...i can tell you this i hate
that guy. I love who i am now someone who doesn't take peoples
crap anymore, argues if it has to go there for someone to see there
are wrong, and basicly just fight in surive ( Verbally ). I feel like
everyone is out get me. But, i've changed and thats all over;
My point is being nice doesn't always work anymore, you may
have to be assertive here and there to get your point across
even if it means pissing off the other person.
Yeah...i know
Spoiler!
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Last edited by Samaniego; 05-29-2012 at 11:20 PM.
 
06-06-2012   #15 (permalink)
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Honestly, I think that there -are- some people I can trust, but you really have to know how to choose people. People can seem really nice on the outside, but be cold as ice on the inside. You have to find someone who is a good listener...though, the most important thing is caring for yourself. There are a lot of users out there and selfish people that you need to watch out for, but I think when you realize you've found someone who won't tun you down when you're at your worst, or get tired of listening, you've found the right person to trust. Someone who won't hold tiny things against you forever or back stab you.
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06-07-2012   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xRainfallx
Honestly, I think that there -are- some people I can trust, but you really have to know how to choose people. People can seem really nice on the outside, but be cold as ice on the inside. You have to find someone who is a good listener...though, the most important thing is caring for yourself. There are a lot of users out there and selfish people that you need to watch out for, but I think when you realize you've found someone who won't tun you down when you're at your worst, or get tired of listening, you've found the right person to trust. Someone who won't hold tiny things against you forever or back stab you.


Yes. This. I put my trust into someone, but when I got weak, he turns into an uncaring jerkface and leaves. This wasn't the first time my trust got broken, and it wouldn't be my last. New boyfriends wonder why I can't trust people... Well, why should I? I would just not be in relationships, I cant stop my heart from loving someone, so I have to try. I try, and the trust that's building gets shattered. Why? Because they turn out to be just like the rest. Then I'm back to not trusting anyone again. I'm a weak person, I have a weak heart that can love very strongly, and trust that needs time. Love isn't enough anymore, no matter how strong it is. Is it really that bad that I have to have time to trust another being?

Friendships are about the same way, except I don't love them they same way, and we really don't stop being friends. I'm glad to start over after a week or so, and so are they.


Lately I've put trust into my best friend again, he breaks it in one night. I want to be able to trust people, but I don't think I can with everyone letting me down.


I think eventually, I'm just going to stop and go against my heart. It seems to like getting broken.
 
06-13-2012   #17 (permalink)
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Trust and sharing is a very simple yet hard thing to achieve because of our (or at least my) sinful nature.
It's amazing how self-seeking and unloving I could be, there are thoughts that comes out of my mind and heart that are just so....... evil... :C
I still remember shortly after I came to Christ, there was this friend of mine who I would have known for quite a few years was really excited. But she came in contact with my friends in the past and created a rather negative image amongst my friends even though getting to know her, I know she's not as bad as people make her out to be.
So what I did was, concerning too much about my stupid reputation, I'd keep her like a secret friend (if you read the book you might get an even better picture of what that means). In front of others, even if I don't participate in some of the trash talking, I would never have stood up for her. That was really bad because she trusted me, she broke off the friendship (completely justified) and we weren't friends for quite a while, and then we were friends again. One thing I tell her though is that she's probably wise to not put too much trust in me because sometimes I can't even trust myself, not with these inhumane thoughts and desires that crosses my mind everyday. But I did tell her to have faith and trust in God that He'll take care of her whether it's through me or not, have faith in God that He'll keep me in check and not make the same old mistake again.
Jesus did say His disciples are meant to be in one another, there is no "my problem" or "his/her problem" amongst us, a body's problem is a body's problem. I would say if a bunch of friends come together and strived for that, you could tell them anything and you don't have to owe them because you know that if he/she came up to you, you would do the exact same thing back. There is only one debt Christians have to pay - "the continual debt to love", if you were to come up to me with a problem and wanting to share, I would've owe you before you even begin speaking because of what God had done.
But you know, it's interesting you mentioned it seems people weren't created to share and trust one another, I do think we were created for that, except "we're all like sheeps that had gone astray". I still remember C.S. Lewis once said something along the lines of "If I don't feel like the world around me is where I should be in, chances are - I was created for another world or time than the one I am living in right now."

It really depends on the person, their beliefs, attitudes, worldviews and personality in general. Trust is a big leap, but could be very rewarding when you have trusted someone who's trustworthy :>
It feels awesome when love is in the air where a bunch of people get together striving to love one another like Jesus and His disciples did ~____~.... Don't get to feel that everyday but it does happen once in a while! From the sounds of it, you did have a glimpse of it back then when you were really close to your friend :O
Hope you'd be able to find someone who you could trust completely!
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11-11-2013   #18 (permalink)
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You've got to have that unintentional test of trust.
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