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02-09-2012   #1 (permalink)
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Default About To Give Up.

Most of you guys here are my friends, and well I need help, emotionally. I really don't know what to do anymore... I don't really know how else to put this... but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

I've been having trouble with life. Durr.

17. Asian. Studying Psychology to become a Doctor. Typical Asian Dream.

Family: Only Child, Adopted, No father, Verbally Abusive mother, I'm not even going to go beat around the bush when I say this but my mom is lesbian and we're living with her partner, No contact with my birth parents, Mother does not want to tell me about my real parents.

Love: Well, I'm bi, but probably lean more towards the guys than the girls, and yes, I'm a guy. (I always thought that the need for a male role model in my life made me who I am now, well it's a theory) I fell in love with my best friend and told him when I was like 13, and he was 17. Yes, I know. He said he didn't have feelings for me then and I told him that was fine, we remained friends. I told myself that as long as he was happy, then I would be too. He then decided to ignore me completely. Well, my heart broke. He was my very first best friend, and my first love too. But I still kept studying, and all that. I never forgot about him though. I had a boyfriend last year, but it didn't last long. Then another one came a long late last year but I broke up with him and admitted that I still couldn't forget about my long lost love (best friend). Lol, yes. I know, I'm pathetic right? We're still friends though. Me and my best friend still talk today, but he never talks to me for a long time, like he purposely ignores me. Sigh. Up to now, my heart still hasn't healed.

School: I got real messed up during my last year in highschool, mainly because I couldn't stop thinking about him lol. Plus I'm a lazy ass, and I only started getting mad at my mom and answering back to her during my second year in high school. My relationship with her isn't as good as it was before when I was in elementary. Mainly because of our trust issues with each other. I'm in university now, a freshman. Messed up 2 classes last semester and now I'm messing up again because I just can't stop thinking about how unlucky I am in life. And I get mad when people tell me to pray and all that. I mean, where was God when my real parents left me? Where was He then and where is He now? I'm a Christian btw, but I don't really know anymore. I've always felt like I needed to be this perfect kid who's smart, intelligent kid who just needed to do everything right just so that I could like I belonged.

I really want to run away. I can't talk to anyone, not even my best friends because I know they wont accept me for who I am and they wont understand. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Help... Please.
 
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02-09-2012   #2 (permalink)
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Oh, man, what to say... well, right now I can't give any substantial advice except this...
  • Even though society shuns it, there is nothing wrong with being alone.
  • Don't lose sight and continue focusing on your studies so you will have a stable and productive future.
Do you have msn, skype, or facebook? We can talk to each other about this kinda stuff if you would like someone to rant to in private. I'm very open-minded and totally don't mind having people confide in me, even those I don't know so well.

I would go into this more but I got a chemistry test I need to study for so, yeah. lol
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02-09-2012   #3 (permalink)
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Maybe it was a bad idea to put it out all here. Lol. Thanks Shnao, and yeah I do have MSN, but would probably be better if we talk on facebook. Good luck on your exam!
 
02-09-2012   #4 (permalink)
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Added. (: Just finished the test, I think I did good.
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02-09-2012   #5 (permalink)
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I've been in a place similar to you. I wanted to try and do it all so fast I ended up failing a lot. I was never like this, and on the whole it sounds like you were never like this too.

I only know you from guild and here, but I am also open to being talked at (sounds so awk qq) anytime. I'm the listener for all my friends, and I (almost) always make time and go out of my way to just listen when someone needs to speak.

I don't care if people stalk me so I'll just put my FB in spoilers, just write who you are from here if/when you add me q__q
Spoiler!



Having been through something like this, it's very hard, but you have to start putting your needs above others. I'm struggling with being distant and unable to help someone very dear to me but it's so I can better myself first. I'm not sure I'm doing 100% well yet, but I think I sort of get where you are coming from, and it can be very hard.
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02-09-2012   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shnao
Added. (: Just finished the test, I think I did good.
Cool- Looking forward to talking to you, thanks for reaching out, Shnao.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jitara
I've been in a place similar to you. I wanted to try and do it all so fast I ended up failing a lot. I was never like this, and on the whole it sounds like you were never like this too.

I only know you from guild and here, but I am also open to being talked at (sounds so awk qq) anytime. I'm the listener for all my friends, and I (almost) always make time and go out of my way to just listen when someone needs to speak.

I don't care if people stalk me so I'll just put my FB in spoilers, just write who you are from here if/when you add me q__q
Spoiler!



Having been through something like this, it's very hard, but you have to start putting your needs above others. I'm struggling with being distant and unable to help someone very dear to me but it's so I can better myself first. I'm not sure I'm doing 100% well yet, but I think I sort of get where you are coming from, and it can be very hard.
I added you, hehe. I think you'll know that it's me once you see my name. :9

It really is hard, having to deal with ALL this. But I think you're right about me having to put my needs over others. I tend to follow everybody around actually. Most of the time I don't know what to do unless someone tells me what to do. I know, I feel stupid. I really don't want to talk to my mother either, she wouldn't understand. She'll probably just gonna get mad and shout at me, call me so "maarte" which is Tagalog for uhh, someone who's too emotional and girly lol.
 
02-09-2012   #7 (permalink)
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Well..I can definitely relate to you. There is nothing wrong with adoption at all,my friend was adopted and she doesn't even bother asking about her birth parents, she was taken home at 24 hours old so she really considers the parents she lives with her birth parents, in a way.

There's also nothing wrong with having 2 moms..Though since you are a guy, lacking a father in your life does suck..Don't have your father to look up to as a role model..But there are plenty of other guys you can look up to as a role model, even one of your friends. I do have my father in my life but he is far from what a "father" should be. We aren't close at all.

School is hard. To say the least. You're not the only one who struggles with it, I'm sure 90% of people have their struggles with school, including myself.

I know what it feels like to not have anyone to talk to..Believe me. You've made some friends online, talk to them. Talk to me if you'd like. There are tons of people that have a lot in common with you, including myself, and I'm only discovering this more and more every day.

You have to realize that at the end of the day all you really have is yourself. And you can only 100% count on yourself..Don't let yourself down. Be your own best friend and believe me things will get better. Listen to music from artists that write songs about similar things to what you are going through..As an escape.

As for relationships..You are in college..I say screw relationships and focus on school, relationships always come second when it comes to that.

Like Jitara said, sometimes you HAVE to put yourself before others. I've been in that place, I struggle with bad depression and many times I have had to put myself before friends, or anyone for that matter simply because I was not well.

And like Shnao said, nothing is wrong with being alone. If/when you have time, watch this video.. How To Be Alone - YouTube

I know you in-game but if you have MSN, I +repped you with my MSN..Just tell me what yours is before you add me >_< or put it on the spot where it says let them know who you are ..when you're going to add me

Last edited by YenSai; 02-10-2012 at 12:37 AM.
 
02-17-2012   #8 (permalink)
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I don't know whether I could ever understand where you are right now, I tried my best to put myself in your shoe and it doesn't feel good. I too, would be doubting and have doubted in the past. It's a question a lot (perhaps all) of brothers and sisters in Christ have to deal with - where is God in this suffering? Is this even real? That God who as we know, full of love and grace would allow such pains and sufferings? When I have doubts such as those, I find it helpful to look back at what Jesus and the apostles went through, all died a brutal death striving for what is good. I find it helpful to remind myself that this world really is fallen, and that back when I was being put through hell, it was God alone who cared for me at the lowest point of my life.
It would be nice if we could talk about this more and share life with each other a bit (skype, msn, Facebook, whatsapp, whichever one you prefer ). You don't have to carry it all, we can do this together, you are not alone :')
Our lives in this world isn't going to be easy road, but we're not alone on this, at least not anymore!
A helpful verse to finish off "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties ON HIM, because HE CARES for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7) This verse does say that there will be sufferings, anxieties, we will have to go through it, but we also have to be patient till the proper time. He will exalt you in due time, and take your pains and sufferings on Him because He cares (
Don't lose hope dear brother, a better day might just be around the corner!
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Last edited by TheBlackCatXIII; 02-17-2012 at 09:33 AM.
 
02-21-2012   #9 (permalink)
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First off, I don't think your best friend/first love swings that way and you probably made him feel a bit uncomfortable. Sounds a little harsh, but that's how things are sometimes. I'd suggest trying not to dwell too much on him or much of any of the rest of your past.

Despite all the stuff I've been through I'm thankful for my past, pain and pleasure alike, as it has helped me to understand people better. If you're planning to go into psychology as well, think of everything you've been through as fuel for your fire. Imagine all the people you can help 'cuz you can say "Yeah, I know what you mean, I've been there".

As for the God thing, I tried being religious once. It didn't really work for me. I was raised by an athiest (father) and someone who wanted me to be able to make up my own mind (mother), so the topic of God didn't come up in my life until I was stuck in a Baptist school for a symester. I didn't fit in, but I gave it a shot. Fitting in is overrated, btw. I went through a period of hating God too, for having put me through what I've been through in my life.

But ultimately I became a deist, which is basically someone who believes in a creator, but doesn't believe in religion; that the creator has no vested interest in our species over any other or a divine plan. Everything else is pretty much up to what we decide to believe by way of philosophy or even other sorts of spirituality. Religion is overrated, I feel. Especially in cases like your's, where they're telling you God hates you. God doesn't hate you, bigots hate you. And there's no reason you should let bigots get ya down 'cuz their hatred's blind and uneducated.

So yeah. Hopefully that'll help you out. Just focus on your present and your future. Your past is your strength, not your weakness.

Last edited by Rhinehart; 02-21-2012 at 12:35 PM.
 
02-21-2012   #10 (permalink)
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I think i can somewhat relate to your situation, if you need someone to talk to feel free to add me on msn (i don't add e-buddies as friends on facebook).
I rep'd you my msn ID.
 
02-21-2012   #11 (permalink)
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Don't do anything rash! Seek out help for your troubles I don't want to see a person get hurt. And also it will get better soon. Edit: Also running away from your problems will not make better that's why I say talking to counselor and talking to people you trust. (I thank all the people helping Ramon out!)

Last edited by neodrakeflare; 02-21-2012 at 03:22 PM.
 
02-21-2012   #12 (permalink)
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Go talk to a counselor. All universities should have one and they're there for a reason.
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02-21-2012   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks so far to those who have replied to me and given me advice here and in private messages. I really do appreciate it.

To Clarify things: Yes, he does swing that way. I am pretty confident about this for several reasons I don't really want to delve into.

All people are different and I'm not like some who can just forgive and forget so easily. He meant a lot to me. He had a lot of my firsts. No pun intended...


As of now, I don't really want to talk to anybody who's probably just going to judge me, blame me, shout at me, or hurt me. I don't want to have to do anything that would remind me of all the bad things that have happened to me. Last counselor I talked to was from my college and I wasn't really comfortable because for one thing, he'd probably be biased about me since we're from the same college. I don't really want to talk to a person like that about my problems with my studies, you know what I mean? I don't really know anybody else. Can't ask my mother and my "aunt" - as I'd like to call her partner for convenience - because if I do, they'd shout at me then say that I'm too much of a sissy (in our native language).

PS: Sorry if I can't reply much, most of the time I just don't know what to say.

...Thanks guys.

Last edited by Scathach; 02-21-2012 at 08:36 PM.
 
02-22-2012   #14 (permalink)
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I think the best way to get out of a rut like this is to re-evaluate your priorities. What are things you want to accomplish today, this week, this month, this semester, this year? Give yourself a set of goals you want to get done and just put all your focus and attention on it. After you accomplish those goals, you'll get a feeling of self-satisfaction that just puts you in a better mood because you can always look back on the several leaps and strides you've made so far.

Last year, I was a bit like this. I just didn't care about anything anymore. GPA dropped another 0.4 which put me down quite a bit since I've never been that close to a 2.0 before. But then last semester I decided to re-evaluate myself and what I've been doing. This semester, I feel like I'm pushing it out and I've made several changes in my own personal life that have made me feel a lot better about myself. I'm a lot more social, I like to laugh and hang out more often, I'm actually grinding my nose to my work and getting things done, I've stopped skipping class on purpose, I've made it a goal this semester to improve my performance at work.

Sometimes you've just gotta stop looking at the bigger picture because the broader landscape has too many flaws. Get really deep into it, pull out a microscope if you have to. Then fix the smaller problems. Over time, the many small fixes really add up and then all of a sudden the bigger picture just got a major face-lift. Don't stress yourself too much about it, and just do what you can.

As far as your love life goes, I think you should really just block that out all together for the time being. I like to think of RuPaul and his quote, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" At first glance, it's kind of silly. But it really makes sense of everything you feel. Take it literally -- just feel good about yourself, then you'll feel good about loving someone else. Your heart hasn't healed because you keep thinking about longing when you should be thinking about how to make yourself happy.
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02-22-2012   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramon
Thanks so far to those who have replied to me and given me advice here and in private messages. I really do appreciate it.

To Clarify things: Yes, he does swing that way. I am pretty confident about this for several reasons I don't really want to delve into.

All people are different and I'm not like some who can just forgive and forget so easily. He meant a lot to me. He had a lot of my firsts. No pun intended...


As of now, I don't really want to talk to anybody who's probably just going to judge me, blame me, shout at me, or hurt me. I don't want to have to do anything that would remind me of all the bad things that have happened to me. Last counselor I talked to was from my college and I wasn't really comfortable because for one thing, he'd probably be biased about me since we're from the same college. I don't really want to talk to a person like that about my problems with my studies, you know what I mean? I don't really know anybody else. Can't ask my mother and my "aunt" - as I'd like to call her partner for convenience - because if I do, they'd shout at me then say that I'm too much of a sissy (in our native language).

PS: Sorry if I can't reply much, most of the time I just don't know what to say.

...Thanks guys.
Thanks for the clarification. If he's avoiding you for some other reason that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, then I honestly don't know. It sounds pretty situational and there's a lot about your circumstances regarding him that I don't know.

But despite that, I think everything else I said still holds. I don't think any of us are here to judge you or hurt you, but it does seem like you're seeking a particular kind of help. As to which kind, I'm not sure. But it seems to me that you need to distance yourself from your circumstances and learn to see things as an observer. If you like, we can talk in PMs here, too. My schedule's a bit wonky, since I don't have internet access at home, but I check here from the library.

I will say this, though. There's never any reason to give up on anything. Things always get worse before they get better and I've noticed there really is a silver lining to everything. Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who used to be a die-hard pessimist. Reread my original post, aside from the first paragraph, and see if it resonates with you at all.
 
02-28-2012   #16 (permalink)
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In all honesty, I feel like he's the only person who can save me. And I really feel like anything anybody else says is just... not enough. I don't know. Don't get me wrong though, I love everyone here and am so thankful that people are trying to help in their own little way...


On another note lol...

I was searching google on how to commit suicide without suffering much pain and all that then I came across this:

"Please don't commit suicide, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm sure there are many people who care about you and they don't want you dead."

Really? A temporary problem? Lol. I don't really feel the love either. I just don't. That or I refuse to accept any love from anybody except from him. Which is wrong I know... but what am I suppoed to do or think?

And guys, seriously. Stop kidding yourself when you say that I have to live and all that crap. You've seen it happen. I mean, if you've experienced having someone close to you die, you get over it... eventually. After a short time, you forget about it and life goes on. "He's dead and we can't do anything about it anymore." I've experienced this myself when my cousin died, I was sad but I got over it. Do I wish that he was still alive? Yes, I do. But that doesn't change the fact that he's never going to come back.

P.S.: Drug Overdose seems to be the best choice for me lol.

Last edited by Scathach; 02-28-2012 at 07:06 PM.
 
02-29-2012   #17 (permalink)
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I lost someone very, very dear to me. Someone I was sure would be with me for the rest of our lives. She was definately "the one". No doubts in my mind to this day. She died in her sleep of a blood clot in her lung. That was in the early to mid 2000's. Her life is over, but mine goes on. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
 
03-02-2012   #18 (permalink)
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Your best friend will definitely hold a special place in your heart, always. It's good that you decided to stay friends.

However, what's not good is that you're still attached to him. If he doesn't share the same feelings you have with him, you deserve better than that. You have to let go and move on, for your own good. You're your own person and you need to live for yourself, not for him. You need to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Also, random fact: the average person goes through a dozen relationships before they find the "right person."

It's cheesy I know, but how can you love someone if you can't love yourself? Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself like you just wanna die. Also, I don't think saying something like, "oh, we'll get over it eventually" justifies committing suicide. I think you need a boost in self-esteem. Be productive, have fun, learn a new skill/hobby, make new friends and spend time with them. Then when you're in a good mood again, use that time to work on your studies.

As for the situation within your family... I really don't know what to say at the moment, but don't let it consume you either.

Also, if you ever feel depressed, I consider crying to be the best solution. I truly believe it helps, it did for me... of course this varies per person.
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03-02-2012   #19 (permalink)
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Dude I just can't forget him, it's like he keeps coming back or whatever. And plus, he was really good to me, and he still is now. And like, he keeps leaving messages and stuff on his wall for me to read and stuff it gets me so annoyed. I'm like, "Are you still leading me on?" It's just so complicated right now and I'm so confused. I can't get mad at him, I can't forget about him, it's just too hard. I need something to hold onto right now.

And I actually cry a lot in my room. Every other night if not every night. I know pathetic.
 
03-02-2012   #20 (permalink)
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Well, if he's still your friend, he is still gonna talk to you. You don't have to be angry at him, or forget about him. Just move on and focus on other things. Maybe someday he'll realize what you and him had together and come back to you.
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