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-   -   Am I a good friend? (http://ggftw.com/forum/life-relationships/103044-am-i-good-friend.html)

1stsim144 10-08-2011 01:24 AM

Am I a good friend?
 
Okay here's a thing. Few months ago.. My best friend for 9 years has gone MIA for 2~3months right until this month.

She sent me a text stating that she was in load of problems and kinda disappointed alot of people. Including me. She said she's trying to work things out and WILL tell me after she solved everything. Okay, so.. I waited.. Till now. She still hasn't told me anything about anything yet. Whenever I asks her, she'll say, wait till the right moment. :py62:

So, I waited until ONE OF OUR BEST FRIEND got to know about the thing that made her MIA in the first place. (She told him first apparently because he's always picking her up from her college)

And he told me early this morning. Around 8.30AM.. In his car.. (me and him slept over at our other friend's house) He told me specifically.. NOT TO TELL ANYONE. Which I promised. But not really coz I'm spilling it all over here. `-`
ANYWAYS...... Apparently... The reason why she went MIA was because.....
She's.... Pregnant.

It's 7 weeks now.

And .. I was, morbid to heard that because she's.. way mature than me. And she told me and our other best friend before that she'll not get pregnant before she has a career.. Which she kinda blew it coz she's pregnant.

I mean, it's not really a bad thing considering the guy who knocked her up is her first.. Literally her FIRST lover.. I hate him. He's a jerk. Control-freak over-jealousy boyfriend jerk who has a scandal before and never came clean out of it jerk. Yes, I hate him with burning passion.

AND ME KNOWING THIS INFORMATION JUST MADE ME... :py40:
I'm so confused right now. I mean.. URGH.. IDK WHAT TO SAY.. But I can't say anything since she doesn't know that I already knew. And I wanna keep that.

I felt.. betrayed. I'm frustrated with this information. Part of me think that she should get it aborted.
I know I'm overstepping here.. but I just can't help it.

I'm.. speechless... T_T

iFarted 10-08-2011 01:57 AM

I think you should keep it to yourself until she feels ready to tell you.

Maybe she is scared of what you and others would think of her if she told you that she is pregnant. If I were you, I would wait until she is comfortable to tell you, and then try to support/help her dealing with her situation.

I guess.

Ayu 10-08-2011 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iFarted (Post 1615478)
I think you should keep it to yourself until she feels ready to tell you.

Maybe she is scared of what you and others would think of her if she told you that she is pregnant. If I were you, I would wait until she is comfortable to tell you, and then try to support/help her dealing with her situation.

I guess.

This. ^

It's her choice after all. But know this.. every childhood friend that I had who got pregnant and had a baby, ditched their friends. They get too busy to care about themselves (even before the birth). Just make sure that whenever she tells you, be there for her. You haven't been friends for 9 years for no reason. Whether you don't support her decision of having the baby, you are still her friend and you should respect and support her as a friend.

I'd be too scared to tell my friends too if I suddenly got pregnant.. D:

1stsim144 10-08-2011 02:41 AM

The irony is that she's the most responsible person in our group.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BF WHO CAN'T HANDLE HIS ****.


I'm sorry. T_T

I seriously hope that this is a just a prank joke.

And @uFarted and @Ayumi..
I will be there for her. After I give her a piece of my mind. After I scolded her.. yes.

Flipmood 10-14-2011 01:27 AM

Pat yourself on the back for caring & trying to do somethin' about it. That already makes you a good friend!

1stsim144 10-14-2011 05:07 AM

So.. It's confirmed. She had the baby on Sep 5th..

It's a boy.

I cried. -.-
She told me today through text and kind ignored me for a while.. Maybe because she's embarrassed. She texted my other friend too. Yesterday.. And my other friend cried in the food court of her Uni.. Lol..

Kinda told her that I'm happy for her if that's what she wants and I supports whatever (stupid) decisions she makes.

The problem is.. I am not happy. Maybe because the baby she had is with the man that we hated the most..

Don't even know if I want to go to her Sogit* tomorrow.


*A ceremony mainly performed by Kadazan ethnic group (me and my friend).. The act of sogit is act of 'compensation'.. More specifically called 'cooling compensation'.. Usually involves 2 parties. The man needs to give a cattle and something else. I forgot...

CoffeeBreak 10-15-2011 10:20 AM

I agree with Kyn 100%. I understand the urge to want to ask for advice, especially under emotional duress (and especially when it involves a relationship with a boorish person), but I believe this could have waited until she approached you.

As it is, I've seen a lot of considerations of yourself, your other friends, your feelings, etc. but not so much for her. ("I'm not happy" "(stupid) decision" "we hated most" and so on.)

How do you think she feels? Maybe you should sit down and have a long talk with her as soon as the opportunity arises, because from the tone of your posts and your supposed conflicts (which appear to be more about your judgements on her pregnancy and the person that she had the child with rather than the mother you've been friends with for nearly a decade & her innocent newborn) it seems like you want to support her. But you really can't with that attitude. Maybe it was an accidental pregnancy she wanted to carry to term, if she'd been talking about getting pregnant after her career had taken off rather than before she chose one, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyn
She didn't tell you for 2-3 months for a reason, and hard as it may be sometimes, we need to respect our loved ones for the decisions they make and give them the space to do the right thing.

Very much this, in the end. Maybe she was in radio silence because this is the exact reaction she expected. I'm not telling you to do a 180 on your feelings in a day, but make sure you try to communicate and at least understand her, even if you personally don't agree with her viewpoints. This isn't politics, or going off and getting arrested, or doing drugs -- it's a child, and it's motherhood. I imagine she's scared.

But she doesn't have to be alone.

Chibiursa 10-16-2011 10:40 PM

About that, I think she really ashamed of herself right now. Just give her a chance and time soon she will tell you the truth,, she might doesn't want you to lost your trust in her..

1stsim144 10-17-2011 01:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyn (Post 1619527)
To be honest, this seems rather inappropriate to me. The advice we could potentially give you here is not worth giving up the discretion that you promised your friend. I doubt your best friend herself really wants her "problem" to be discussed like this on a public forum. I don't know her, nor do I know her name or what she looks like, but I'm trying to put myself in her position here.

"Do I want a serious issue in my private life to be discussed in public?"

Again, I don't know her, but the answer is probably a no. If I were her, I wouldn't have wanted this thread to happen in the first place, no matter how much you think you're "caring" about her, this is not the way you should go about doing it.

She didn't tell you for 2-3 months for a reason, and hard as it may be sometimes, we need to respect our loved ones for the decisions they make and give them the space to do the right thing.


Try not to judge. You'll never know what something feels like until it has happened to you. What's done is done, and whatever you're feeling right now, you can't be sure she did anything on purpose to hurt you or make you feel betrayed.

I know this is seems a lil' hypocrite of me discussing this in a public forum (After I said I promised won't tell anyone *in real life*). But the thing is, this is the ONLY place where I can vent my true feelings. I am not good with handling my emotions when it gets serious hence why I lay it all out here.. IMO, I don't think this is inappropriate.. Because I never reveal who she is. I only telling you guys the situations and asking for unbiased answers.

I am not judging her.. The reason why I acted like this is because this is literally the first time news like this get thrown to my face. And I don't know how to cope with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoffeeBreak (Post 1619576)
I agree with Kyn 100%. I understand the urge to want to ask for advice, especially under emotional duress (and especially when it involves a relationship with a boorish person), but I believe this could have waited until she approached you.

As it is, I've seen a lot of considerations of yourself, your other friends, your feelings, etc. but not so much for her. ("I'm not happy" "(stupid) decision" "we hated most" and so on.)

How do you think she feels? Maybe you should sit down and have a long talk with her as soon as the opportunity arises, because from the tone of your posts and your supposed conflicts (which appear to be more about your judgements on her pregnancy and the person that she had the child with rather than the mother you've been friends with for nearly a decade & her innocent newborn) it seems like you want to support her. But you really can't with that attitude. Maybe it was an accidental pregnancy she wanted to carry to term, if she'd been talking about getting pregnant after her career had taken off rather than before she chose one, etc.


Very much this, in the end. Maybe she was in radio silence because this is the exact reaction she expected. I'm not telling you to do a 180 on your feelings in a day, but make sure you try to communicate and at least understand her, even if you personally don't agree with her viewpoints. This isn't politics, or going off and getting arrested, or doing drugs -- it's a child, and it's motherhood. I imagine she's scared.

But she doesn't have to be alone.

(bold part just hits me in the chest.. waterworks.. starts in few min)
If she wants us/me to be there. We will. I mean.. We're friends. :py56:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyn (Post 1620448)
It's very much human nature to pass judgement without hesitation. You do it; I do it; we all do it. I was probably judging you too when I said it was inappropriate to make this thread. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite when I said "don't judge" - I just wanted you to think again. When you're judging such a serious situation, the question that needs to be asked is: "Is my judgement fair?" Don't let your emotions override your logic. Speaking from personal experience, it almost always has dire consequences.

As CoffeeBreak said, I take a look at your words and a lot of what you have expressed here revolves around you, your emotions and you some more. It shows clearly in your choice of words.

"I'm so confused right now"

"I felt.. betrayed."

"I'm frustrated..."

"Part of me..."

"The problem is.. I'm not happy."

My advice is to put your gift of empathy to use. Put yourself in her shoes and then think twice about how you would deal with this situation if you were in her position. Things aren't always what they seem.

I read my earlier posts and I just realized.. It was all about me.. I'm kinda glad when you pointed it out because if you didn't. I wouldn't have noticed how much selfish of friend I am to her. :py56::py56::py56::py56::py56:

I am sorry.

Off topic::py24:
I went to see her last Saturday (15th).. My whole feelings changed after I saw the baby.:py45:

I saw her face, her reactions.. How she interact with her baby. She looks genuinely happy.

And for that, I kinda look passed through the mistakes she made and just enjoy the moment with her. I'm the first uncle to hold the baby boy in my arm. He smiled at me. I almost cried but I managed to hold it. (Yes, I'm that gay)
The whole thing just made this thread kinda useless.. Because in the end.. Her smiles and laughter is what matters.

Me and our other girlfriend are planning to baby shopping next year. When she get back to here. I can't wait.:py57:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chibiursa (Post 1620616)
About that, I think she really ashamed of herself right now. Just give her a chance and time soon she will tell you the truth,, she might doesn't want you to lost your trust in her..

I NEVER lose my trust in her. No matter what mistakes she made, trust is the last thing I will lose in her.

She never really accepted gay people in her life but she accepted me. So.. I would never do such horrible things to her.

I would like a request for thread close from a mod. These whole issues is kinda ended. Thanks people. :py03:


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