I'll post some song lyrics to express how I feel.
"I run in circles, dodging bullets all the time.
Avoiding conflicts, but it hardly ever works.
A lot of people seem to know what's best for me.
It doesn't matter, 'cause the worst is yet to come.
Running away, running away from what I am.
Driven by shame, hiding from myself.
Down on my knees, waiting for you to count me out.
Waiting for pain, to show its ugly face.
Opress emotion, fake affection, fake a smile.
I'll never win this game, no matter how I try.
Your love means nothing when I cannot love myself.
It doesn't matter, 'cause the worst is yet to come."