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California Drivers

Posted 08-18-2009 at 09:45 PM by NoeJeko
Ok, I've seen some bad driving in my life but the entire world pales in comparison to California. It's utterly stupid and I don't think half of these people should be on the road. They're also insanely "horn happy" and this bugs the hell out of me. I've recently, however, adopted a strategy to combat this.

I call it punitive honking. If someone blows their horn at me for no good damn reason, I simply ease in behind them and then lay on mine. After all, since I didn't do anything wrong I can only assume you were trying to communicate with me and since I don't speak moron then I'll have to try to put my communication to "get bent" in a language you can understand.

How I would like to fix Cali's driving problems:

Bricks. Lots of them. All etched with the word "moron" on all 6 sides. I want to carry around a load of bricks in my front passenger seat. When I see someone on the road doing something stupid, I want to just lob a brick out of my window and through their windshield. As the glass shatters and they cry for mercy thinking the world is ending in a fiery meteor storm I want to yell "moron" and continue about my way.

Disclaimer: There is no brick residue in my car.

1. Right turns against a red. First, the red light does not mean for the line 20 deep of cars to stream through it. Law requires you to stop and then proceed when it is safe. You almost took my leg off as I was crossing through that marked crosswalk when you came blazing through the light. Second, right on red is a privilege not a right. If I decide I want to take a moment and safely adjust my radio while legally stopped at a red light and then execute my right turn do not lay on the horn. I assure you that you will receive a dose of punative honking as mentioned above.


2. Turn signals. Do cars in Cali come with optional turn signals? I was pretty sure this is a standard feature. If it is a standard feature, can you not be bothered to move your index finger 1.5" to not be a complete jerk to others on the road?


3. Cell Phones & Driving. The law was passed, kiddos! Yesterday on US 101 I was stuck in traffic and moving slightly faster than the lane to my left. As I passed I counted the ratio of drivers on cell phones to drivers not on cell phones. In a 5 minute period, 26 drivers were on the phone (like, holding it to your ear) and 4 were not. This is a problem people. Buy a hands free kit so you aren't the next freeway accident that causes me to take 2 hours to drive 20 miles home.

Or, take a brick in the head and all will be solved.

4. Tailgating. First, I leave a good cushion of safety between me and the car in front of me. This is not an open invitation to squeeze your Toyota or Honda in there and expect me to back off. If you do this, do it at your own risk. I drove in Italy for 4 years where the average following distance is about 6cm. I will not back up and I will put so much pressure on you that you will return to the slower lane within 120 seconds. The most anyone has made it to date is 90 seconds before they pulled back off screaming and cursing at me. Too bad, don't cut me off jackass.

Oh, and if anyone ever does exceed 120 seconds, there's a brick with your name engraved in it. "Moron".

5. Correct lane usage. When you are in the inside lane executing a left turn against a 3 lane road, you turn into the inner-most lane. When you are in the right turning lane you turn into the center lane (again, 3 lane road). At no time do you turn into the right lane without first entering your proper lane and signaling a proper turn. That lane is for me, the citizen who lawfully stopped at the red light and executed a right turn. If you come into my lane, almost hit me, and then have the audacity to honk me you will be subject to punitive honking as described above.

If this doesn't work, here's your brick. Enjoy replacing your windshield.

6. Green lights. If I do not accelerate to 60 mph within 3.2 seconds of the light turning green and you blow that damn horn at me you will be subject to more punitive honking. If you decide to pass me I will catch back up, that little Toyota 4 cylinder engine will not ourtun my 3.6L V6.

When I do catch up, have a brick. You earned it.

7. Merging. If you are merging from a lane that is not ending please signal properly. I will not let you in even if you are crossing the white line and you have not signaled. If we collide it will be your fault for failure to signal and I will argue all day that I didn't know you were coming into my lane. It takes 1.5" of finger movement (as mentioned above) to not be a jackass so use it.

If we don't collide, maybe my lobbed brick will hit your turn signal and switch it on.

8. Two hands on the wheel. If you hold your steering wheel at 10 and 2 you should lose your license. Period. Almost all drivers that go too slow, cannot maintain speed, cannot negotiate turns, stop suddenly for no good damn reason, drive erratically, or are otherwise hazardous have both hands in a deathgrip on the wheel at 10 and 2. The only exception: student drivers. After you get the license, take one hand off and bring your seat back some. You're doing no one any good sitting 3" from your steering wheel anyway and when you rear-end me the steering column is going to pierce your chest before the airbag can inflate. Even worse, it may inflate inside you. If you need to be 3" from the steering wheel to drive you should not be driving.

Maybe my brick can knock one of your hands off the damn wheel.

So there you have it. Instead of forcing all drivers to actually learn road laws they should just authorize my pile of bricks. Darwinism will do the rest and California's roads will soon be the best place in the nation to drive.

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Posted in Personal
Views 3877 Comments 19 Email Blog Entry
Total Comments 19


  1. Bob's Avatar
    I drive with both hands on the wheel .
    Posted 08-18-2009 at 09:51 PM by Bob Bob is offline
  2. Gladiat's Avatar
    D: Watch out when Paul drives beside you. Or is in the passenger seat.
    Posted 08-18-2009 at 10:01 PM by Gladiat Gladiat is offline
  3. Sanichi's Avatar
    I wonder if some sort of sound cannon would be legal. . .8D
    Posted 08-18-2009 at 10:02 PM by Sanichi Sanichi is offline
  4. Drakii's Avatar
    Too bad there aren't that many VW cars over in the US. Your brick plan would secure my job :3
    Posted 08-18-2009 at 11:19 PM by Drakii Drakii is offline
  5. Light's Avatar
    I laughed so hard reading this.
    What a good read.
    Posted 08-18-2009 at 11:33 PM by Light Light is offline
  6. kuyaBaka's Avatar
    I was in the passenger's seat when my friend was driving on the left lane, and he made a right turn without signaling. There was a car back there, too, not knowing that he was making a turn. I almost died. ;A;
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 07:00 AM by kuyaBaka kuyaBaka is offline
  7. Zegridathes's Avatar
    Ooh! What about people who cut across highway entrance ramp lines.

    Or on service drives think that yield/stop signs somehow don't mean that the people coming off the highway have the right-of-way.

    Posted 08-19-2009 at 08:18 AM by Zegridathes Zegridathes is offline
  8. NoeJeko's Avatar
    @Zegridathes, brick them.
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 08:50 AM by NoeJeko NoeJeko is offline
  9. Theosis's Avatar
    Drivers here aren't as bad as that, but there's plenty that do the exact same things. Pisses me off, lol.
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 01:07 PM by Theosis Theosis is offline
  10. HolyAbyssal's Avatar
    Not as bad here on the east coast. But then, I don't get out much lol
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 02:36 PM by HolyAbyssal HolyAbyssal is offline
  11. Sandrie's Avatar
    It's not too bad around the midwest, but with all the major highways having some sort of construction and with some people who don't know proper driving...-shivers-
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 03:40 PM by Sandrie Sandrie is offline
  12. Kotarou's Avatar
    Dude, don't come to Kuala Lumpur and drive a car here. I fear for your sanity. XD
    Posted 08-19-2009 at 08:59 PM by Kotarou Kotarou is offline
  13. Pauliewoggy's Avatar
    People are just as dumb everywhere, however, as the density isn't as high in other places, it doesnt seem like there are many!

    If this plan is implemented, I'm starting a brick making business. Because demand will surely outweigh supply.
    Posted 08-21-2009 at 02:15 PM by Pauliewoggy Pauliewoggy is offline
  14. Mitchi's Avatar
    Noe, you should never drive in the Philippines. I guarantee you will go insane.

    Also, Texas is pretty bad too. Dumb people are the reason I don't drive. Though the having two hands on the steering wheel thing confuses me. I was always told you were supposed to have both hands on the wheel. Then again, I don't drive so i dunno.
    Posted 08-26-2009 at 10:02 AM by Mitchi Mitchi is offline
  15. Milkshakes's Avatar
    Horn happy people are horny
    Posted 09-06-2009 at 03:59 AM by Milkshakes Milkshakes is offline
  16. Xpecial's Avatar
    help I am scared and have yet to start driving ]:
    Posted 11-16-2009 at 05:19 PM by Xpecial Xpecial is offline
  17. Tiane's Avatar
    What would solve a ton of these problems would be a damned rail system that extends more than 10 miles.
    Posted 02-21-2011 at 12:27 PM by Tiane Tiane is offline
  18. EL2play's Avatar
    California has a lot of people who should not be on the road, there are so many retarded drivers from out of state or foreign.
    Posted 03-03-2011 at 05:50 AM by EL2play EL2play is offline
  19. LufyOHare's Avatar
    All those bad drivers keep me working. I do auto body repair.
    Posted 04-13-2011 at 09:03 PM by LufyOHare LufyOHare is offline
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