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Posted 02-24-2013 at 12:26 PM by kuyaBaka
So I was just in my room alone ...

... and then I suddenly felt an urge. And I was just sitting there like, "What? Why? WHAT IS GOING ON!? NO."

So I stood up and left to the bathroom, and I swear I was in a Most Popular Girls in School episode (and if you haven't seen it yet, I strongly urge you to). I felt like I was giving birth to a Kraken-Deathwing-C'thun-Charizard-lovechild in the wrong places.

"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?" I exclaimed, looking out the bathroom window beaming with light. But then to my own enlightenment, I remembered that I had $13 of Indian food last night for dinner.

Then I remembered this talk I had with my Physics lab partner one afternoon at Peanuts (a popular diner here in downtown SJ). He brought up his experiences pooping -- and as a disclaimer, I'm not even sure how we ended up talking about that, but it happens to come up so often in my normal conversations. We shared the same feelings about when you accidentally cut a poop off half-way through, and the other half is just not that big so it doesn't even come out anymore. Then you don't realize what you just did until after that first wipe and you notice that it has a lot more residue than usual! At that same point, my eyes began to widen.

What if I just did that right now, without even realizing? I thought to myself.

In efforts to save myself from feeling disgusted and uncomfortable, I just sat there on the porcelain throne (or the whiz-palace, for all my Recreation followers), awaiting for the last deployment of droppings. I swear, I sat there for a good 10 minutes. And without my trusty iPhone with me, it felt like all eternity.

After that, I thought it'd be a good idea to finish the job, clean the mess, and get on with my life. I mean, there's no use crying over skid marks when I literally throw my laundry bag into the washing machine anyway. I reached my hand over to the mounted toilet paper roll in front of me and notice how thin the barrel looked.

Oh, it looks like we're running out of toilet paper. I guess I'll just open the sink compartment and -- I said to myself in a hushed tone, hiding myself and my vocal ramblings from my roommate in the room next door. But my rambling was rudely interrupted when I found out -- WHERE IS THE EXTRA ROLL!?

It turns out I forgot to put a new roll under the sink. Great.

I should probably put a new roll in.

I did the best I could to be frugal with my toilet paper usage. Luckily, I managed to ration every square, mathematically determining the best way to use every square centimeter (because **** inches) of surface area I could. My calculations lead me to my success, and flushed my hard work down the drain (literally and figuratively).

And that's my story.

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  1. Krem's Avatar
    I went through my own poop story last week, in my first room in the dorm i had a turkish toilet (hole in the ground) and one time when i really had to go.... i didn't squat down in time ..... and sprayed the wall behind me. Cleaning it wasn't fun.
    Posted 02-25-2013 at 07:34 AM by Krem Krem is offline
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