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ramblerambleramble (warning: tl;dr-worthy post)

Posted 04-11-2011 at 03:01 PM by kuyaBaka
Updated 04-11-2011 at 09:18 PM by kuyaBaka
I'm not the kind of person who wears their emotions on their sleeves. I never show how I really feel on the outside because my mentality is to show no weakness. It's just not something that comes easily to me. I know it's bad -- trust me. I've seen those shows, movies, and specials where the main character develops only when they prove to themselves and the rest of the world that they aren't some emotion-less robot or some super-human who walks around with absolutely no problems or burdens to put out to the world.


But that's not how I roll.
That's just not me.
I'm not wired that way.
It's not my personality.



So, since I'm faced with a bit of a personal dilemma, I try to apply things that I know to it. Just to make sense of the situation and to find a solution myself. That kinda just means I'm gonna repeat to myself those cliched sayings and advice commonly expressed in very bad dialogues.

"Change is for the better."
"Be who you are and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"The hardest things in life are always the ones that are the most worth it."


But what do I use to apply to my situation when it's so complex? Maybe it's a multi-step problem that doesn't have a single cure-all solution? Well. I hate that.


Y'see
, no one really knows that I'm a spineless jellyfish on the inside with no courage or gusto. But I sure do walk around like I do: an erect back with good posture, head held up high, and a stride that looks as if I own the damn campus. Sure, I look like I'm confident and sure of myself, but that's just what I've been trained to do. With those years in marching band, I've pretty much trained myself to look like that just 'cause that's what we were supposed to do during performances -- to perform. Even if we didn't have our parts or steps down 100%, we still had to look like we did. Make a mistake? Make it look like you did it on purpose. And, honestly, I think it's a really good mindset to be in. But I digress--


It's funny. Really.

When I walk around campus alone, I take the time to think. I mean, walking gets the blood running, delivering more oxygen to your brain so you can think better. Then when I think, inside I feel like I'm about to collapse, burst into tears, and submit myself to the fetal position asking for my mommy to come an hold me and tell me everything is gonna be alright. But I don't (thankfully). Then when my rounds are coming to a close and I'm approaching my destination, I just suck it all back up, take a deep breath and let out a sigh of release, then walk into the room with a smile on my face like nothing happened literally 3 seconds ago. Everyone in the room thinks I'm fine. I mean, I look perfectly normal -- or at least, how I look normally. It doesn't appear that anything drastically dramatic has happened to me. No puffy eyes, no red nose, not a flick of phlegm in my nostril. Perfectly fine. I must be one hell of an actor.


Then comes those times where I really feel as if I should express these emotions. And I try to! Seriously. But because I've never really exposed myself that way to other people, I just come off as awkward -- like I don't know what to do. Almost as if I was really a robot trying to have feelings and become a human. It's like I'm trying to force it out, when I know that these emotions should really just flow out naturally. But there's the thing: I'm not natural. I don't function like normal people do. I don't act, behave, or feel as if I'm like the "average person." And I know that this feeling of individuality and detachment from "the norm" is a good thing that diversifies me and makes me who I am, but it just sucks. It really does.


Why can't be like other people?
Why can't I show off my emotions like everyone else does?
Why am I unable to show sadness, remorse, happiness, excitement, and gratitude in ways other than words?
Why do I feel awkward whenever I lean in for a hug or any other kind of physical contact with someone that isn't backed by rage and anger?
Why do my knees shake in large tremors and my chest cave in whenever you're so nearby?
Why am I only able to smile at random people whom have absolutely no contribution to my life other than to serve me food or open the door for me?



Obviously, I'm a bit of a stranger when it comes to these kinds of social interactions. I mean, it's only been since last year that I've actually had a reason to go out and have fun with friends. It's not like I've been doing all this stuff since grade school. Other than the small circle of buddies that I'd hang out with sometimes on the weekends, I've never really been out and about with other people. I've been here on this Earth for 18 years and have yet to be titled as "boyfriend." Then I see all my other friends around with their own lives, progressing further than mine. Then I take a look back at myself and see my academic achievements and compare them to everyone else's. To my surprise, even the whole "bookworm vs social butterfly" thing doesn't even work out to give me an advantage. Maybe I'm just not up-to-par with my peers. But should I really care?

For those of you who know me, or at least my recent blogs, yeah. This is about him, although not subject to just him.

And this is more of a regret and I hate myself kinda of scenario because I consciously know what I should be doing, but I have no physical control over myself when the time comes. Then when I miss that one chance, I just want to run away crying. I know, I know. I just have to grab some balls and go for it. But it's so much more difficult than it seems for me. I mean, normally I have no problems talking to random people -- I can initiate a conversation and keep it going pretty well. But it's just that he seems to be the only exception.

So I just think to myself -- you probably just need more practice. So I practice. I have a body-length mirror in my room and I practice on it. I smile. I make eye contact. I have good body language. It's perfect. But it's just that whenever I'm even remotely close to him and I'm not already sitting down, I feel like I'm about to collapse because my legs start to lose all sense of balance. He makes my head spin and my thoughts run around, dizzying me.

Now, if you happen to have been keeping count of how many days it's been ... 3 months. Yes. 3 months of neither one of us having the balls to do anything. Not a thing. So, maybe he's just lost interest in me? I wish. We both still take the time to steal glances of each other when we can. We both still take excessive rounds around the dining commons just so we can walk by each others' tables. We both still sit in the same seats on opposite sides of the dining commons so we can look at each other from a distance. Hell, one morning last week he was even sitting outside his class building just so he could watch me walk by.
It's really frustrating to try and focus on homework and studying when all this stuff is going on. Then when you switch your focus onto it, you just feel like your jumping to reach happiness, but no matter how high you jump it keeps dangling just barely out of reach.

At this point, I don't know what to think:

Am I glad he's here to make me feel special?
Am I angry at the fact that he's here and just messes everything about my daily routine and study habits enough to piss me off?

Do I feel like if I were to be in a relationship with him, that my entire life will change and I'll be a generally more happy person?
Conversely, will it do nothing but add more stress?

Considering I've survived 18 years being single, can I stand another 18?
Or within the next few weeks, will I feel as if I need to be in a relationship to make myself happy?

... is it even worth the trouble and hassle?

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  1. kuyaBaka's Avatar
    Edit stuff. I wanted to add a bit more, but I guess I typed too much. This makes me happy. I think.

    Quote:
    Moving on to something else unrelated, but still branching off of my innermost frustrations -- inferiority complex.

    It's weird that I have this. I'm the oldest of my immediate family, and really am better-off than my older cousins (taken AP Exams and getting into a "better" school than them, etc.). But I still suffer from "not being good enough." Out of class, I might "be the shit." Sure, I feel smarter than more than half my peers just by taking Calculus and Chemistry. But I still feel like I'm not good enough.

    Calc, for example. Sure, I love the subject. But lately, I realize that I might just not be all that great at it. And it's a shame because I've been on such a roll for so long. The workload has really kicked in -- difficulty escalating ever so much every week. Granted, I was anticipating this since I'm finally on new grounds where I have no prior experience in. But then I see everyone else in the class progressing quicker than I am, and it just makes me feel like the one thing I had an edge on really isn't all that sharp. The concepts are getting murkier, and it's more difficult to connect to concepts I already know. Series and sums? I'm so horrible at those. Why can't go I back to calculating volumes and some intense integrations? I was just getting the hang of trigonometric substitutions--

    With Chemistry, it's all about balance. I study so hard for exams and do pretty damn well on them. But that means I just neglect on studying for lab quizzes and I don't as easily catch on to the lab report work, which is really pulling my mysterious grade average down. Then my professor is just a nightmare. I can't even explain it. I just end up trying to teach myself, or I work in study groups with people who have the workshop class and have them explain things to me. I mean-- it's working.
    permalink
    Posted 04-11-2011 at 09:19 PM by kuyaBaka kuyaBaka is offline
  2. kuyaBaka's Avatar
    Edit more stuff. Damn, I type a lot.

    Quote:
    Back to my family, though-- it's so hard to please them sometimes. I don't even know what they want anymore. They never tell me anything; no comments about how good/bad I'm doing, no congratulations, ... no inviting my relatives to graduation. Are they happy to see me going off to college? Or are they just happy that it's one less person to worry about back home? Do they honestly care what I do with myself? Y'know, I got rejected by quite a few schools last year when letters went out. I cried myself to sleep so many times. My dad walked in on me on one of my crying fits and just left without saying a word. That was very comforting. Psh.
    It's like: "Hi. I'm capable of emotions to, so why don't you cater to them when I really need the support?"


    But hey. All this bullsht behind me, I'm still standing strong. ... right?
    permalink
    Posted 04-11-2011 at 09:19 PM by kuyaBaka kuyaBaka is offline
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