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I need to calm down...

Posted 09-21-2012 at 06:46 PM by kmelfina
Updated 09-21-2012 at 06:54 PM by kmelfina
Had a breakdown of tears after looking up my MATLAB grade. I'm just getting worse (currently have an 85%, I read the steps and look at the book and still miss a few important concepts). I know I've been past blogs before about what my thoughts on GPA were... I really am split. I like to relax at a steady pace, but the guilt/shame/expectation also pulls me on the other end. I know my parents wanted me to strive to the top, but I know in my heart that... well it just isn't me. I don't even know what I am or what I really want if this tug-o-war continues. Personal values, social relations going rocky (no one answering when I call/attempt to contact), hidden guilt (I don't know if I should apologize to my parents that I'm not the son that would make them grandparents to pass on the family line) and academic performance. I'm just to either stuck daydreaming, eating chocolate or straight up f__ping just to ''feel good'' and avoid negative thoughts.

Hopefully Monday I can talk to my academic adviser (after telling him I'm switching from Teaching to Operational Math). That and The Well (Guidance Counseling) to see if they can ''fix me'' so I can handle my emotional breakdowns.

EDIT: and I really need to acquire courage to say ''I need help'' to classmates this semester. I know most of the time I like solving things on my own and have that wonderful feeling of assisting others, but I realize now it's my turn to need assistance.

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