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I just want to know... why? and stuck.

Posted 08-02-2011 at 11:28 PM by kmelfina
*NOTE: Late at night, early morning typing to let this out. Most likely might not make sense.

So I admit of my Internet addiction, and yes it has been a hindrance in terms of college stuff like financial aid + scholarships (didn't work out with responses). Since my lack of responsibility pulled me through this, I've been wondering what lead to it. I know something back then in my life. My family fears that it would interfere with college (if I could pay for it of course, but calculating the time to get a job and the rest of the costs to pay for, not going to work manually, so back to loans Dx). I did the rest of the applications for enrollment and did the NSO... still I'd admit I'm ultimately lazy. Though I did read the summer reading "the other wes moore" and ready for discussions.

Might have started back in the 3rd grade when I got my first game ever, Pokemon Ruby. It was really entertaining and loved the pokemon contests. Over the years I went through more generations of that, as well as some old playstation games xD Then came to "computer times" of '08-present. Started from Gaiaonline, its first MMO zOMG, then La Tale, a little Maplestory + SMT: Imagine, and now the new Dragon Nest for Nexon where my guildmates from LT are on.

It must be the rush, sense of somewhat accomplishment on some pixelated world of limitless possibilities (of what the game provides). But there comes a time when it proves to be "too much" such as the guy who died playing X-box due to a blood clot or something like that. In my situation, it's how to pay for college.

My sis told me to just give up college and I should have just signed up for community college, get a job and join the workforce since I haven't matured. Graduating honors meant nothing to me really, it was all because of the damn Dual Enrollment classes, I still feel like I don't deserve any of it like my classmates (those who took AP and survived) said. Dad does his globalization cycle which I "always!" do something, then what's next something different?

In all honesty I just feel really in a wreck, loss of hope, for as long as I can remember. Even when I was young I was told by my sis I wouldn't go back to VA for being so stupid in school when we were little kids in CA (I wasn't really developed yet in terms of learning at that age, but that changed in the 7th grade). Now I'm in VA and still feeling low.

As of now I got my books, money from the school, and now waiting for the Direct PLUS Loan to finish everything off... it's just that and I"m set. I know that I'll put away the MMORPGs since I have nothing else to do in college but study and somewhat socialize. I blame myself for all this, but... I'll have to realize that there's no such thing as a white knight in shining armor or great light of inspiration that tells me what to do next to get through life, it's just the cost of people tired of lifting me up.

I find it unfortunate that I'll act independent when I know no one's out there with me, like being pushed to it instead of acquiring it really early.

I *might* need a psychiatrist to get all my feelings, emotions and life sorted out. I'm starting to lose it x_X;

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