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New Story! Yay

Posted 08-26-2010 at 09:14 AM by JessikaLeigh
Okay ~ Here is a new story i wrote. Gave it in for my English coursework [in which it got a grade b ] As my results are now out, I thought id finally upload it.

Waking up slightly dazed, Alfie’s head was pounding. He opened his eyes to be greeted by darkness. He moved his limbs, only to realise that they had been chained to the chair.
“Is…is anyone there?” He asked towards the darkness, only to get no reply. “Anyone?” He shouted this time. He started to turn his head, looking to see if he could see anyone, but he only saw fragments of the sun creeping through gaps in the beams in the ceiling. There was a sound of an AC unit sputtering in the background, and the sound of banging metal, swaying side to side could be heard. An ice-cold wind swept through the warehouse. There was a loud thud, and Alfie’s head slumped forwards.

Alfie’s vision was blurry when he was awoken by the sound of a chainsaw. Before his vision cleared, he was blindfolded.
“Who is there? Who is that?” He asked. Only for his question to be ignored.
“Hello, Alfie.” The unclear voice spoke. The room smelled of damp. The sound of the chainsaw was getting closer to Alfie, and he started to panic.
“Shall we see what we can do with this?”
The sound of an excruciating scream was heard, and blood and flesh splattered upon Alfie’s face. Mortified, he let out a yelp.
“Alfie, Alfie, Alfie. Are you crying already?” The voice spoke again.
Alfie’s blindfold was lifted slightly, and he peered forward, where he saw a blurry lump covered in blood.
“If you aren’t a good little boy, you’ll be next. How about we play a little game?”
“What…What type of game?” Alfie’s now fragile voice questioned.
“A fun one,” The voice laughed.
A fun one? Alfie was starting to panic. His heartbeat started to race, and his mind wondered. Just who is this, and who was the person that they had just killed.

“Alfie.” The voice whispered into his right ear “Alfie, are you ready?” Anxiously, Alfie shouted “For what?”
“For our game, of course.” Alfie took a deep breath in, and felt something pushed in towards his throat. Alfie’s angelic face was startled.
“Shall we start?” The calm voice said, as the pressure on his throat increased. The sound of a gun firing echoed through the warehouse. Alfie sighed with relief, and then he started to panic again, as a gun was placed parallel to his ear.
“3…2….1…. Now.” Another shot rang through the warehouse, as Alfie leaned to the side in agonizing pain.
“Ooh, I’m sorry, did that hurt?” A light voice said, almost whispering into Alfie’s ear. “Next time, I’ll be slightly more accurate.” The cool breath spoke, tingling the inside of his ear.
Alfie at this point was getting really nervous, why was he here, who was holding him prisoner?
Alfie could hear footsteps around him, and a cold touch brushed against the side of his face along to his hair, where the hand grabbed it, and pulled his head up.
“Alfie, are you not having fun yet?”
“You’re the only one having fun, you freak” his fragile voice had broken.
“Well, you aren’t allowed be having fun. You had it all already”
It was as if a light had been switched on in his head.
Alfie laughed an ice-cold laugh.
“Ha ha, so it’s you?” His voice now turning sour.
“Oh, you remember? You killed him Alfie. This is just revenge”
“Do you want me to tell you how James squealed? He squealed like a little girl when I put the sack over his head, and doused it in petrol” Alfie’s scared little face had turned into a big grin “What are you going to me then, pig” his voice almost barked. “Are you going to kill me and lose everything? Ha ha. Don’t make me laugh!”
The chainsaw was pulled up close to Alfie’s face
“Is that a risk you want to take Alfie? Do you want to push us to that?” The sound of the stuttering engine had made Alfie shut up.

A cold breeze whispered through the warehouse, tickling Alfie’s skin. A grin arose from his face.
“Are we done yet, Pig?” He shouted, acting bored.
The blindfold was again lifted, to show Alfie a needle.
“If you don’t shut up, I will stab this so far in your arm; it will be coming out the other side.” The voice said, from behind Alfie’s head, as the needle was brushed softly on his arm. “Do you want us to kill you now? Or later?” The voice behind him laughed. The blindfold was put back onto Alfie, and his head was pushed forwards.
“Alfie, do you want it here?” The needle was stroking the back of Alfie’s neck.
“Just do it. Pig” Alfie sighed.
A sharp pain went shooting through Alfie’s neck, as something cold and sharp grazed his skin. A shallow laugh could be heard in the background as Alfie screamed in agonizing pain.
The needle dropped to the floor, still full, and an ice shard shattered as it landed.

Alfie’s body slumped in the chair, fainting from pain. The footsteps shuffled around the chair for a moment, and then walked off into the distance and faded out a disappeared into the sound of the AC units.

I'd like to know any comments if you like it/hate it. I like critisism

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Total Comments 3


  1. Mitchi's Avatar
    “Well, you aren’t allowed be having fun. You had it all already”
    I think it's missing a "to"

    To be honest, it feels like there's something missing to it. It's also kinda unnatural for a person's fear to simply disappear in a situation like that. I'd think that if he was panicky from the beginning, he'd still be panicking, but trying to hide it, though not all that well.

    Also, it lacks closure of any kind. it just kinda...ends. Like you got tired of writing it or something.
    Posted 08-26-2010 at 09:46 AM by Mitchi Mitchi is offline
  2. Aimee's Avatar
    I liked it. But like mitchi pointed out, it lacks an ending. It seems to lead up to a climax but then it never gets there.
    Posted 08-26-2010 at 11:33 AM by Aimee Aimee is offline
  3. Advenna's Avatar
    It's got potential. It's a bit creepy (that's just me, though--I tend to get squicky over this). But like Mitchi and Aimee have said, it does feel rather unfinished. Maybe you could expand on it a little more.

    Good stuff, though!
    Posted 09-05-2010 at 11:50 PM by Advenna Advenna is offline
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