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Online Friendships and Hidden Blades.

Posted 07-17-2012 at 01:40 AM by Devely
Updated 07-17-2012 at 01:50 AM by Devely
You know your'e questioning the value of the situation when you doubt the relationship between you and a friend.

Lately I've begun to question whether or not friendship actually has any meaning online. I've been robbed, lied to, used, abused, and just recently cut off by someone I considered my best friend of 4 years for no real reason. I'm not looking for any consolidation, but I am looking for the reason that people feel that the people on the other side of the screen have no feelings. I am very much aware that I am not the nicest person when it comes to strangers, but I treat those that are close to me very, very differently. I confide in them, I give them those keys that turn me like clockwork, and more often than not it explodes in my face later and i'm made out to be the fool.

It's happened so much I'm starting to not see the point. It's as though everyone I talk to comes with a blade hidden behind their back, and they're read to slit my throat at any moment, after they get something from me of course. Nowadays i'm told that im rude and selfish. I can't help but think that I act this way as a result of my past in dealing with people. I used to be a very giving person, i'd loan out what I had to give. Eventually I stopped getting my things back, and I was very upset.

It's a sad moment in your life when you regret friendships. Friends aren't something you are supposed to regret having, you're supposed to cherish them. Everytime I meet someone new, or talk to someone I've known, I am sitting on the edge of my seat expecting them, at any moment, to something terrible. I hate thinking this way and I try to trust people, but in the end it all just backfires and I feel as though im being whipped for thinking I ever actually could just let someone in.

I'm aware the whole, "I'm a cold person and I have walls around me. Not many get close to me." is over used and bland, but quite frankly describes me very well. I currently have a girlfriend who I am happy with, and I have placed all of my trust in her. But as much as I love and care about her, and want to hold her tightly until she can't breathe, there is always that constant nagging in the back of my mind telling me that it wont last. It wont be anything, ever. It makes me extremely irritated, but I can't dismiss it because theres a part of me that holds on to that as crutch, so when things do go sour, I am not upset.

...I'm not generally a serious person to the public eye, nor did I intend to write something so down to earth when I clicked on my blog. If you actually read this, then cool, I appreciate it. Drop me a comment letting me know how you feel about the situation, as this is the first time I've ever talked about this out of my head.

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Posted in Serious Time
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Total Comments 5


  1. Almora's Avatar
    There are many ways for you to work things out and as cliche as I hate to say, but "Live life to the fullest." That burns, anyways, moving on!

    If you keep clutching onto your past and transferring that mentality over to the future, then it will make things worse than it already is. I've been in your shoes. I've been through that period of pessimism, that period of impenetrable walls and all that came of it was loneliness and nothing gained. You actually end up doing more damage than imagined and you're actually pushing away potential friends that may turn out to be "for life."

    I've opened up and given the world another "x out of x chances" because I'm that optimistic even though I still get hurt. What did I gain? Friends. An experienced pallet at reading people. A happier life. Love. And if I didn't, I wouldn't be here talking to you and I would still be wallowing and sulking over something that might turn out to ruin you for a lifetime.

    So what if I continue getting hurt you might ask? Well honestly, I view time spent doing something(even if it's unsuccessful) > than time spent doing nothing. I don't regret anything I did, but I regret not doing anything. At the end of the day though, the choice is up to you to decide what kind of life you want to lead.

    I know the "it'll always end up like that," but WHAT IF it didn't? Just WHAT IF. Living in the present is supremely better than being stuck in a past problem. If you refuse to acknowledge that pessimistic inner consciousness and adopted your own VOICE and took control, then you CAN find and enjoy happiness, minus the would-be negatives.

    As cold, rude and selfish as yourself and others think you are, generally most people just don't have that "seasoned skin" that can handle it. Other than that, potential and valuable friends will be able to discern that attitude because of experience and might just break down your walls and allow you to finally live the life you could have been living.
    Posted 07-17-2012 at 04:33 AM by Almora Almora is offline
  2. Almora's Avatar
    /2k chara limit.

    Just roughly picking your head, as I'm drawn to complex minds and emotions.
    Posted 07-17-2012 at 04:34 AM by Almora Almora is offline
  3. Devely's Avatar

    Re: Amora

    I see. I appreciate your input on my thoughts, and I'll reflect on some of what you've said.
    Posted 07-17-2012 at 05:12 AM by Devely Devely is offline
  4. Almaeri's Avatar
    Talk to me whenever you're down okay? You're welcome to rape my phone and skype when you're feeling down.
    Posted 07-17-2012 at 06:52 AM by Almaeri Almaeri is offline
  5. kmelfina's Avatar
    I wish I had a person to cuddle with, if only I made an effort to reach out! Don't worry, when you lose friends new ones arise. Life is an ever changing cycle so hang in there. As for me, I befriended my MMO friends (the closest ones I can contact) on Facebook. I haven't talked to them in a LONG time since we're all so busy with our lives but even if they forget about me they will always have a special place in my heart. Especially since I blogged about it so it's not going to die on the internetz even if I get amnesia when I'm of old age xD *sighs* I MISS THOSE GIRLS QQ
    Posted 07-17-2012 at 10:52 PM by kmelfina kmelfina is offline
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