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[8] I forgot why I number these

Posted 11-18-2011 at 10:13 PM by Adun
Updated 11-19-2011 at 12:31 AM by Adun
I also forgot wtf I was doing. The past year or so my mind has been on cruise control, sporadically living life and waiting till the sun comes up. The time passes so fast that the only memory I have of the past couple of years are fragments that I have to really reach out to recollect in order to make any sense of time. However, in the long run it doesn't really matter. Past is past.

I can't make any sense of the above paragraph re-reading it but I'm just going to leave that there anyway. Dunno, it might be good to leave bits of yourself in places so you can revisit them later and see what kind of nonsense spouts out of the depths of your brain.

The whole year has been a rather unproductive one and spoiled with many broken promises to myself leaving me utterly disappointed as 2012 rolls around. I'm going to have to buckle down and seriously reconsider my direction in life if I plan to achieve anything in the next few years. That is, if the Mayan prophecies are to be believed and we aren't toast by the time my 25th birthday rolls around. Yeah, December 21, 2012 is the alleged Doomsday and it's also my birthday. How ****ed up is that?

****, I swear that I'm not being angsty right now but that's kind of how it sounds, huh...

Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no control over what is happening in my life and therefore I can't control where my life is headed. But that's an excuse. I have complete control over nearly every factor of my life but yet I do this to myself. It's my responsibility and my duty to myself to kick myself into gear and start doing something. Anything. An episode of Tales of Mere Existence on Youtube from Lev (AgentXPQ) preaches "Do something. Do anything." It's original intent is for artists but ****, I think it can apply to life in general. You will always be locked in a box, immune to harsh criticism, until you free yourself out of your shell and expose yourself to the outside. Through exposure and liberty, one gains valuable experience in life and this in turn aids in the production of a higher quality product and meaningful, satisfying living. No idea what I'm trying to say but there it is.

Edit: This is relevant to what I'm trying to point out.

I have to admit that when it comes to creative mediums, I have been a big coward. I know that with enough love and effort, one can produce amazing things. For some reason, I still fear failure. I say that I don't. But apparently I still do. I can't bear to see something that I dumped my heart and soul into being ripped apart by critics. It's this mask of a tough exterior that I keep trying to wear. I sure as hell have succeeded at it but it's not getting me anywhere. Forged by the difficulties of growing up as a Navy brat and constantly adapting to new situations. Forged by the peer pressure of society to live up to the standards of being a man. Shit. Now I feel like a god damn sheep.

This is an obstacle that many people have to face and I'm sure that there are tons of people who already conquered it. Why can't I be more like them? This is the solution I want to arrive at before the end of 2012. It's funny. I'm 23 years old now and I should have these things figured out by now. At least... that's what I believe... I can't measure up to people who are younger than me and more successful than me. Whoa. That sounded like I actually cared about how other people look at me for a second. I know. It doesn't matter. People experience life at their own pace. People mature at their own pace. I can relax with that in mind. It just nibbles on me every now and then.

I really need a drink. I haven't done that in a while... Either way, to those of you who are legal drinkers, cheers for reading my post and hope that it possibly stimulated the mind or entertained...

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  1. Degoutant's Avatar
    I often feel the way you do too.
    But as you already realized you have to take things in hand yourself to do something meaningful, even though it may sound easier than it actually is.

    I'd like to give you better advices or wise words but I'm kind of helpless myself.
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    Posted 11-19-2011 at 12:48 PM by Degoutant Degoutant is offline
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