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09-22-2012   #7 (permalink)
Esperetta
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Insanely long post, but I think it's necessary. Since nobody really seemed to know what to say or how to respond.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Yume
He needs some anger management.
Perhaps make a recording of his outbursts and show him one day.
No offense to Yume, but for the love of God do NOT do this. He would most likely blow up or even lash out violently.
It's too confrontational IMO, it would go badly for everyone involved. Your dad doesn't seem like the person who can accept criticism lightly or even the notion of being secretly filmed.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
Sometimes my dad is just happy and proud of me, then later that day he's yelling at me and telling me how I am a retarded child, he claims we use this house as a hotel, or even regret having children sometimes.
From what you've written, your father sounds incredibly irrational, mentally unstable and with a hair trigger temper to boot. This does not sound like a simple case of poor anger management. I think he needs to be on medication, he sounds Bipolar.

As for therapy...that only works when a person acknowledges that they have a problem and is willing and committed to change.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
My Mother is the most calm person you'll ever see, she barely answers when you talk to her, she never gets involved in anything that happens or tries to do something to prevent them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
One of the problems I have at home is that, my family (at least my mom) is very, extremelly organized. So when you leave something out of place, you better put it back where it goes, and quick. If I don't do this with my stuff, it will lead to my dad breaking it or throwing it somewhere.

I'm sorry to say this....but I don't think you can rely on your mother. She seems to be a very passive person or very intimidated by your dad (and can you blame her?). She seems to have accepted this unacceptable situation and is instead working around it. Nobody's perfect, I'm sure she's doing the best she can to cope. Such as not giving your father an excuse to get angry by being a neat freak? Even though ideally as a parent and mother she should be stepping in and defending you and your brother, even if it's coming from another parent... So yeah, don't wait for your mother to take action. Be realistic, if she was going to, she would've done it by now.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
Fights with him can start as easily as me waking up for lunch on a normal day and forgetting to say hello to him.
He also yells at me because he thinks my hair looks ugly, or because I have a bump in my face some other time, or because I peel the skin from my fingers and lips (out of stress), or because I spend time at home in my pajamas.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
My father starts yelling out of nowhere because he gets the thought we're mocking him with some face expression we did not use. As usual we try to prove him wrong, leading to him yelling at the top if his lungs "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID? EVERYONE HERE THINKS I'M STUPID. YOU'RE BOTH A COUPLE OF SNEAKY UNGRATEFUL BRATS, I'M NOT STUPID."
When your father starts in on you, don't engage him. Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can without giving offence.
If you bite back/blow up at him the situation may escalate, become hostile and even more unbearable.
Don't try to defend yourself, you'll just fuel the argument. No matter what, you won't win.
You can't reason with a mentally unstable, stubbornly irrational person who refuses to see reason. It'd just be a exercise in futility.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
I am a very sensitive person, I must say I cry very easily when treated badly. Although, my parents, specially my dad, think I always over react things. Whenever I am upset about something, they get mad at me, my father always comes up with the "You know what? You deserve everything bad that happens to you" thing.
He yells at me because I don't dress like a pretty girly girl, because I don't go out, because I play games all day, because I don't get out of my room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
Honestly, I don't get out of my room because I want to avoid my family as much as I can.
I really... don't know how to explain all of this anymore. I must be over reacting maybe, I know things could be worse.
You are not over-reacting.
Abusers (your dad) will often try to belittle their victims into believing they are simply being over-emotional, too sensitive, or are cry babies.

In other words, the abuser is trying to convince the victim that they ARE the problem and there is NO abuse going on here. But think about it, this is not normal behaviour.

You have to learn to not let your father's harmful words and actions affect you. This involves changing the way you think and react.

Don't let him convince you that he is in the right. What he's is doing is Verbal and emotional abuse.

Verbal Abuse can be just as harmful or even more so than physical abuse.
It damages self-esteem, makes the victim feel stressed, small and worthless.
There are degrees of severity, but it is, what it is. Abuse!

Try to imagine his words are like water, and they just slide off you. Like water off a duck's back.

You hear his words but you do not accept them. They're just noise.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
I cannot fight back my father, he just gets louder and more agressive, it gets to the point where he threatens to hit me, or slaps me really hard, grabs my arm really hard or hits me, or pushes me. That's why I don't fight back anymore.
He tells me I have to shut the hell up and respect him, but how can I respect him when he treats me so poorly lately? Either way I have to pretend to, or else bad things could happen.
Nobody, absolutely nobody has the rights to lay their hands on you in anger.
That is assault, a punishable offence by law. Doesn't matter what country you live in.

If it gets really bad, to the point you fear for your safety. Please, call the police, I beg you!!! This is not acceptable behaviour, coming from anyone! You might be afraid of the repercussions from calling the police, but I think I'd be worth it. If you do happen to do that, tell them that you need an alternate place to stay because he might try to retaliate.

Also, if he grabs you, slaps you, hurts you in any way and it leaves a welt, red mark or bruise. TAKE PHOTOS.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Michiko
During the past two years I lost the two closest friends I've ever had in my life, long story short, one of them got brainwashed by her boyfriend and moved on from me, the other one just didn't get along with me because I was too weird for her, got rid of me quickly.
Perhaps things got too intense for them. Most young people aren't equipped to handle these kind of situations or know how to help a friend deal with this kind of stuff.




Your best option is to move out. ASAP. I don't say this lightly btw, and I know it waaaaay easier said than done. But I think you seriously need to do it, the sooner the better.

Being constantly subjected to verbal and emotional abuse and the threat of physical violence hanging in the air...?
That's no way to live happily or grow up to be an emotionally well-adjusted person. You must be incredibly stressed and miserable as well, having to tip-toe around this person at home all the time. The one place where you should be able to be relaxed and comfortable.

You and your brother need to formulate an escape plan. There may come a time when your dad boils over and living with him becomes even more unbearable. Although I think you should have moved out yesterday.

Ask yourself, "Do the cons outweigh the pros? Do I benefit more by staying or going?" They feed, clothe and provide a roof over your head, etc. But in the long run, is this situation going to help or hinder you? What with your dad chipping away at your self-esteem with his verbal pick-axe, slapping you around when you get "out of line".
Perhaps it is time to move out. It's easier if you guys stick together, it helps that your brother already has a well paying job?

Most schools have counsellors, which are usually obligated to keep what you say confidential. Unless they believe your life is in danger.

Make an appointment, explain the situation; how you're being subjected to emotional and verbal abuse by your father at home. To the point where it is so bad, you employ self-harm as a coping mechanism. Also the part about your dad choking your brother... Yume's suggestion of video taping your dad in a tirade would help here. That'd be undeniable physical evidence.

They should be able to advise you on the avenues and options available to you. In terms of financial support and housing.

There must be programs in place for young people who can't live at home. I don't know what country you live in, but in Australia for example they have Housing commission (where the Government gives you a place to live), Rent assistance for low-income earners, Youth Allowance, financial assistance for young people who study. etc~ There must be something for you!

At the end of the day, it boils down to you summoning up the courage to take charge and help yourself. I know it's incredibly hard but you need to do it, for yourself. You shouldn't have to live this way, your brother too.

If you do nothing, then the situation will never change

Keep in mind; We cannot change others unless they want to change. We can only change ourselves.