Dealing with my Dad.
Hey guys, it's me again.
I have honestly never written down about this before, but I think it would do me well to do so, I guess... I am sorry if this gets a little long.
Most people can't really understand my life, they think that because I have a house of my own and material belongings I should be happy nonetheless.
The past couple years have been the worst in my life, everything's just been getting worse, I think.
My Mother is the most calm person you'll ever see, she barely answers when you talk to her, she never gets involved in anything that happens or tries to do something to prevent them.
My Father is a normal person who works and all, he's really nervous all the time and gets stressed a lot at work. He takes his anger out at us, everyday.
I have a brother who is 25 years old and was the main target of his anger during most of his life, but he's gotten a good job recently, and he's not at home mostly during the day, so now there's someone else who has to deal with things.
Me, I am not your average 18 year old girl, I suffered bullying for 9 years, which stopped 2 years ago. I do not go out, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't go have sex with strangers, I find it very difficult to make friends and socialize, I feel like ever since the school bullying stopped 2 years ago (I changed schools), the bullying started at home.
During the past two years I lost the two closest friends I've ever had in my life, long story short, one of them got brainwashed by her boyfriend and moved on from me, the other one just didn't get along with me because I was too weird for her, got rid of me quickly.
One of the problems I have at home is that, my family (at least my mom) is very, extremelly organized. So when you leave something out of place, you better put it back where it goes, and quick. If I don't do this with my stuff, it will lead to my dad breaking it or throwing it somewhere.
This one time I left my art class wood board against the wall in bedroom hall upstairs, I was in the middle of a League game so I couldn't go and put it back in place, while my dad was yelling at me angrily to go pick it up, it ended up in him just throwing the case with the board and all my art supplies in it, down the stairs.
He has choked my brother before because of him mumbling things, or straight came into his room and snapped his big headset into two.
He's always threatening me of throwing my laptop (which I bought with my own money) out the window if I don't stop using it so much.
Fights with him can start as easily as me waking up for lunch on a normal day and forgetting to say hello to him.
He also yells at me because he thinks my hair looks ugly, or because I have a bump in my face some other time, or because I peel the skin from my fingers and lips (out of stress), or because I spend time at home in my pajamas.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a bad child... I barely failed one subject in my life, I never dropped out of school, I am about to finish high school and I am heading to art college. (we have free education in my country)
My father starts yelling out of nowhere because he gets the thought we're mocking him with some face expression we did not use. As usual we try to prove him wrong, leading to him yelling at the top if his lungs "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID? EVERYONE HERE THINKS I'M STUPID. YOU'RE BOTH A COUPLE OF SNEAKY UNGRATEFUL BRATS, I'M NOT STUPID."
Whenever my mom tries to calm him down, she gets yelled at too, until he finally cools down.
Just today, we had a fight at home because he was complaining about my mom listening to the radio downstairs very early at morning, not letting him sleep. My mother claimed she waken up at 3 by him yelling at her to SHUT UP in his sleep, and mumbling other complaints. My mother is a very light sleeper, so she had no choice but to get up. He denied all of this and went crazy once again screaming "I DIDN'T DO THAT, YOU'RE CRAZY, YOU SHOULD GET YOURSELFED CHECKED AT. YOU THINK I'M STUPID?"
Ever since I lost my friends I've had no one to talk about this to but my aunt, who helps me a lot, but I've recently stopped talking to her about my problems. Why? Because she tells my dad about it. And he gets even angrier, and treats me badly for looking for comfort.
I am a very sensitive person, I must say I cry very easily when treated badly. Although, my parents, specially my dad, think I always over react things. Whenever I am upset about something, they get mad at me, my father always comes up with the "You know what? You deserve everything bad that happens to you" thing.
He yells at me because I don't dress like a pretty girly girl, because I don't go out, because I play games all day, because I don't get out of my room.
Honestly, I don't get out of my room because I want to avoid my family as much as I can.
I really... don't know how to explain all of this anymore. I must be over reacting maybe, I know things could be worse. But I think I've received enough verbal bullying over the past 9 years, to start dealing with it at home.
Maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are, I've started practicing self harm this year because of this and other many things, but I am trying to stop.
I cannot fight back my father, he just gets louder and more agressive, it gets to the point where he threatens to hit me, or slaps me really hard, grabs my arm really hard or hits me, or pushes me. That's why I don't fight back anymore.
He tells me I have to shut the hell up and respect him, but how can I respect him when he treats me so poorly lately? Either way I have to pretend to, or else bad things could happen.
I am just tired of the constant yelling and complaining every day, it always puts me in a bad mood and I start my days in a bad way, I am tired of the whole situation. Sometimes my dad is just happy and proud of me, then later that day he's yelling at me and telling me how I am a retarded child, he claims we use this house as a hotel, or even regret having children sometimes.
Did I mention how he does most of the things he yells at me about? He leaves his stuff all over the place, eats and doesn't pick up anything. But you can't tell him this.
I just don't know how to deal with this all, it's starting to affect me greatly, and I don't really know what to do...
Last edited by Michiko; 09-19-2012 at 05:47 PM.