I just really want to get something off my chest because it's some feelings I've been dealing for a long while now and need someplace to put them. Feel free to read if you want to, or don't if you aren't interested, I don't really care.
So pretty much for as long as I can remember I've always been "introverted" as some people might say. I don't really dislike people, but I also don't want to be around them all the time, even if I don't know them. Most of the time I'd rather be doing something quietly by myself than with others, and I can't really help it. I also really don't like to speak. I have no clue why, and it's not like I can't talk or anything, I just usually only talk when I have a reason to, other than that I'm generally an extremely quiet person.
Anyway, these characteristics about myself(among others I haven't mentioned) have really been bothering me lately. Almost all of my close friends are really extroverted. They always have something to say, what's on their mind, news about something in their life, and so on. This bothers me because it makes me feel like I'm way too quiet or solitary. I'm scared that it's going to be hard for people to really get to know me closely or form any sort of bond because I'm just so quiet and keep to myself most of the time, even though I'm most comfortable and happy being like this. I'm scared that when I do manage to become close with somebody it's going to be hard for me to show them how I really feel, that I might push them away with my apathetic personality, and I wouldn't know what to say or do to bring them in.
These thoughts come to mind because I already have managed to make three really close friends(after not really having any for a while) These people are important to me, and I care about them and enjoy spending time with them, but I hardly ever show signs of these feelings. They ask me all the time, "are you okay?" or "are you bored with us or something" and as much as I reassure them that I don't have a single problem with them, that they're my best friends, I still feel as if they think I dislike them in someway or like they don't trust me.
I just don't really know what to do. I feel like I need to be more outgoing and positive and it's hard for me because I've also just recently started to get better from my major depression and anxiety issues, and it also just isn't who I am. My friends and I have so much in common except the fact that they're much more social and talkative than I am. It isn't just about them either, I feel like my personality doesn't help my relationship with my mom at all. Shes does a lot for me, and I love her so much but it's so hard for me to show any appreciation or love, even though I feel it.
I just don't know how I'm going to live and not always be lonely when it's my nature to keep myself distant from people, as much as I hate that feeling. I'm terribly scared of being alone, but it's like I'm the one who makes it happen. I guess it's just something I need to think on and figure out myself.
Swallow your pride, because silence is golden, and I wouldn't pay a penny to hear your thoughts.