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06-22-2008   #1 (permalink)
Ethane
Break it up, son.
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Default Some guy's "conditions" for enlisting

Hahaha I just ran across this and found it so hilarious I'd share it.

Basically it's some DeviantArt retard explaining he'll never enlist in the US military. That's fine, to each his own, but his reason? He's too damn awesome for the military to handle, that's why! (all bolded parts by me)

Quote:
First condition: the drill instructors along with any other superior officer for that matter will treat me with respect and dignity. I’m not saying this to preserve my own sanity; I’m saying it to preserve the drill instructors’ ability to reproduce sometime in the future. They may know five hundred million different martial arts, but nothing will prepare them for a swift kick in the testicles. And don’t even get me started about what’ll happen if I happen to be armed with a loaded rifle. It’s a packaged deal: if you treat me with respect, you won’t get hurt. It’s just like civilian and internet life.
Hahah this guy thinks he can take down a DI. I'd make some smartass remarks here but he shoots himself in the foot further down.

Quote:
Second condition: I retain all of my constitutional rights. Hell, I’m already endowed with second amendment rights (the right to bear arms), so why not go the full nine yards and let me have freedom of speech while I’m at it? I’m going to need freedom of speech after witnessing all the crap my superiors put me through. I need the leeway to say “the army sucks, **** hope”. Don’t worry; my words won’t stop the constant flow of recruits looking to join. After all, if there’s anything that sadomasochists are good at, it’s not listening to their masters. How else are they going to guarantee themselves a hot, sweaty night of torture and abuse?
This first thing I heard when I rolled into boot camp, aside from "get the **** off my bus" was "We defend democracy, we don't practice it." When you sign that dotted line, you're signing your life away for 4-6 years depending. This goes for everyone who enlists, and they don't make special considerations for unique snowflakes.

Quote:
Third condition: I get to leave the army and return to my hometown anytime I want. When those car bombs go off and I have to watch one of my friends get a bullet in the head, I’m probably going to be in no mental condition to continue fighting. Hell, I’ll be lucky if I make it out of Iraq with all four of my appendages. I’ll probably look like someone who’s just been through a Criss Angel magic trick! The only difference is that the only people who have illusions about what they do are the superiors. If they think that the privates and sergeants actually enjoy “serving their country” and “fighting for freedom”, they’re ****ing nuts! Nobody enjoys watching their friends die and nobody likes dying themselves! It’s common sense!
Billy Badass here is so awesome that he's gonna go into boot camp and show them mean ol' DIs what's really up. He'll even shoot them if he has to, that's how damn awesome he is. Don't expect him to go into war, though! What kind of crazy country sends their armed forces onto a battle ground?? He can't handle the mental strain of real battle!

Seriously I don't what to make of that but here's more

Quote:
Finally, fourth condition: I don’t mind doing a little intense exercise (I probably need it considering I weigh well over 320 pounds),
oh

HAHAHAHAHA