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07-05-2011   #1 (permalink)
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Default Death and Rebirth

Lately, I've come to see that the concept of death and rebirth is quite true. Sometimes you have to lose everything to gain everything. I'll warn ya now this is gonna be a long read and it's kinda personal, but I don't mind talking about it because it doesn't bother me anymore. Keep that in mind.

I've never been too proud of myself in my life as I never really accomplished much, couldn't find my own talents, etc. I didn't really think I had anything to begin with. But circumstances lately have shown me otherwise.

I was recently in a rather bad living situation. My mom and I were living with an old friend she'd had since high school. We thought she was a good one, even though she didn't really try perticularly hard to understand or get along with me, we still got along decently, until her brother moved in. Her brother wasn't a perticularly good guy. He'd spent alot of time in prison, in his life, for heroin addiction. He was born with it, as his mother was doing heroin when she was pregnant with him. Nanci and her siblings were all adopted from different families, so Steve (said heroin addict) often caused alot of trouble for the family. But my mom saw this as an oppurtunity for them to patch things up and have a healthy sibling relationship. I'm not sure if Steve had been through rehab lately or not, but he seemed pretty healthy while he was living with us, but his prison background made his personality clash heavily with mine.

I kept to myself, didn't speak unless spoken to and was basically a shut-in, pretending I didn't exist. He took that personally and thought I was plotting against him as, in prison, the quiet type was the one that was most likely to stab you in the back.

Tensions rose between us and built a pretty oppressive atmosphere between us whenever we had to be in the same room together, and as much as I wanted Nanci and Steve to understand my intentions, an oppurtunity never arose, so things just got tougher and tougher.

One day, I was to go to the local mental health office for an interview, to determine who my counsellor was going to be (I'd recently been diagnosed with social phobia, and Nanci and Steve certainly weren't helping to ease my anxhiety). I also have short-term memory problems. Apparently, the day before that, Nanci said she wanted me to wake up between 9 and 10am the next morning and see how useful I could be then. We lived on a farm, and Nanci and Steve did most of the work. Of course, mom helped out alot, too. But I'd forgotten Nanci had asked me to be up early that morning and only focused on getting my phone call from the mental health office that morning, so I stayed in my bed until the phone rang. I was awake, but Nanci didn't know that when she came to check on me, and wouldn't believe me when I said otherwise.

I got my phone call and went out to the kitchen for breakfast, but Nanci started arguing with me about whether or not I'd been asleep when she wanted me to wake up and what have you. I was answering her questions calmly, but Steve took it as an oppurtunity to step in and confront me, accusing me of being rude to his sister. The more I tried to explain I wasn't being rude, the more hostile he got until he threatened to kick my ass a couple times. Eventually, we were yelling at eachother. I remember "Respect my family!", "Respect my mother!", and "I'll **** you up!", "Go ahead! You wouldn't be the first!". At that point, Nanci told him to back off. After the second or third threat had been made. All my mom could do was watch.

We left for the mental health office after that and never went back to that house. It was a little hard to find a new place to live on such short notice, but they managed to set something up. We're living in a small apartment now, reserved for people who are homeless. It's a decent place, though. And we've long since been recieving food cards. Mom can't look for work currently 'cuz she has to have surgery on her neck to fix some nerve damage she has going on. She's lost the strength in her left arm. So, if anyone's gonna find a job, it's gonna have to be me.

I recently finished counselling and have been working with work source to see about finding a job and getting my education going. I'm enrolled as a student at a nearby community college now. GED courses. I'm planning to go into psychology as my major, though. Not quite sure where I'm going to go for that. But I'm brimming with confidence. The afforementioned events, and everything that's happened since, has given me a sense of awakening, or death and rebirth. I've discovered talents I didn't know I had. I can even talk to people as if I didn't have social phobia. Maybe I don't even have it anymore. But moreover, I have a gift for understanding people, and helping them and my goal is to make a career out of that. I'm going to be starting voulenteer work at a local TV station and take their courses in camera operation and video editing on the side, as I already have talent and experience with that as well (as my YouTube channel will attest).

So, yeah. Despite what I've been through lately (and, frankly, I've been through worse), I have no regrets. I feel no pain. Because I'm proud of the person I've become. And I'm looking forward to see the man that I become.